There are sometimes I feel this world is made up of grabbing grasping people who simply don’t see the fact that no matter how much they collect materialistic things, their real wealth is a lot different than what they are left with at the end of the day of life. In the past two years I have seen so much of deceit, treachery and dishonesty…that I begin to wonder at the values of life. Mine haven’t wavered a mite centimeter from what they were …in fact they have strengthened a lot more because of what I see anti what I stand for. I always used to marvel how people stand up in times of adversity…always marveled how people had the strength to love and do what is right even when at the brink of death. Seen through personal experience how my uncle had the gumption to give up what was his wealth…his family…tied up all the knots …settled financial issues …and said goodbye as cheerfully as he could to his loved ones. He died of lung cancer. Ironically he was a non smoker.
What is this strength, the sheer power to alter and define our lives? Always been questioning the source and despite all science and despite all explanations I still reach one conclusion-MY GOD. The supreme power the one who is in us and we are in him. One in the other till nothing more is indecipherable.
It’s so easy to forsake him and so difficult to keep in touch. Is it? I think not. The moment we have problems in life most of us run to him for help. And the moment good times return we waltz off like its no ones business. Getting back to what I was talking about. I find people such ostriches nowadays. They feel that they have become professional in manipulations and using others for ulterior ends that they are totally oblivious to the fact that no one can be made a fool of unless they choose to allow the other to do so. Isn’t that such a sad thing. I choose to let someone use me because I don’t want to oppose that person because I love that person, I care for that person. It’s sad to se someone negotiating with you negotiating for material things you would have gladly given without the scheming and negotiation. Someone said it right …love is a negotiation…life is a negotiation…Im beginning to see the veracity of that statement.
Not a very happy state of affair and typically something I abhor. To me love is journey’s ending. What I see around me is something inexplicable and cryptic…and not very well explained by me …seems to me that the human values we are born with and which our parents very lovingly nurture in our families is being gradually eroded by the nastiness of the world around us……..but the truth is that nastiness isn’t in the world around us…its inside us… and it is for us to discard to crude and ugly and nurture the goodness which also lies within us……..
I remember someone told me long ago…we are all shades of gray, some more gray and some less…but can’t we strive for white? Can’t we be simply ourselves and hope that it shall be reciprocated in honesty? Can’t we be free of malice, negotiations and treachery…of using and being used…?
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
TREES
Trees have always fascinated me.........they can look ghoulish or embrace in .....they can touch the skies.........and appear like lofty guards.......who wouldnt deign to look at us lesser mortals........or they could give us shade, food and peace.......i just love it when the wind blows through them.......rustling and making that swishing noise like that or silk rubing over tafetta as a lady walks by.......love their colours..........
but i love them the most here because black and white and sepia captures the character of the subject.............it is the character here that enthralls me and captivates me....
but i love them the most here because black and white and sepia captures the character of the subject.............it is the character here that enthralls me and captivates me....
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
BENEVOLENT LOVE
Love isn’t just a feeling
It’s a melody of notes strung together in harmony
A piece of eternity carved into a beautiful form
An amalgamation of colours one running into the other
Fine threads of silk woven into warmth and sunshine
Moonbeams capering over dappled waters
Wetness creeping out of the corner of an eyelid
It’s the smile of the lover,
That has the power to light up your day
It’s the singing of birds in spring
The smell of freshly baked bread
The rustling of fallen leaves in the autumn
The twinkle of baubles atop a Christmas tree
The crackling fire on a cold winter eve
The colour red in all its splendour
The bare branches of a tree standing silent on a winter morn
Waiting for spring to come and caress it, cradle it, decorate it,
In bridal whites and peaches, tiny green leaves
Buttercups peeping out of the snow
Edelweiss braving the barren cruel terrain of the mountains
Tender like the kiss of dew on virgin grass
Untouched, untrammeled.
It’s the wrinkles on a woman’s face
Each one bearing testimony to years
Of patience and the feeling of being loved
Even today her skin blossoming into a rosy blush
Like the ruff on a peach still untouched
With the promise of fulfillment
Wanting to be picked devoured and enjoyed.
Love is everlasting, young and above all, kind…
It’s a melody of notes strung together in harmony
A piece of eternity carved into a beautiful form
An amalgamation of colours one running into the other
Fine threads of silk woven into warmth and sunshine
Moonbeams capering over dappled waters
Wetness creeping out of the corner of an eyelid
It’s the smile of the lover,
That has the power to light up your day
It’s the singing of birds in spring
The smell of freshly baked bread
The rustling of fallen leaves in the autumn
The twinkle of baubles atop a Christmas tree
The crackling fire on a cold winter eve
The colour red in all its splendour
The bare branches of a tree standing silent on a winter morn
Waiting for spring to come and caress it, cradle it, decorate it,
In bridal whites and peaches, tiny green leaves
Buttercups peeping out of the snow
Edelweiss braving the barren cruel terrain of the mountains
Tender like the kiss of dew on virgin grass
Untouched, untrammeled.
It’s the wrinkles on a woman’s face
Each one bearing testimony to years
Of patience and the feeling of being loved
Even today her skin blossoming into a rosy blush
Like the ruff on a peach still untouched
With the promise of fulfillment
Wanting to be picked devoured and enjoyed.
Love is everlasting, young and above all, kind…
Thursday, October 25, 2007
BRIAN WEISS....the psychologist...the solution......the answers....
Brian Weiss is a psychologist to reckon with.his experiences with regression therapy and astonishing revelations about the concept of rebirth or reincarnation are extremely cogent for those who wish to find answers to things that have been bothering them for sometime now.......why we get deja vu`s .....why we have feelings of familiarity with places we have never been to and instant recognition of people we feel we have known for ages now, but,having just recently met....... strange happenings and stranger feelngs......i thought i was getting eccentric and he taught me to look at my eccentricity as not just that but an enhanced awareness of what i knew deep down to be real...........
explore his works definitely.....its worth the effort.....
Some things are so familiar…..some things so loathsome. Why?
Maybe there is a colony of souls…..a family that moves together through ages and meet and leave every lifetime. That’s what he meant when he said---
“You will not always marry your most strongly bonded soulmate. There may be more than one for you because soul families travel together.You might choose to marry a less bonded soul companion, one who has something specific to teach you or something specific to learn form you.
Your recognition of a soul mate may occur later in life, after both of you are already committed to your present life families. Or your stronger soulmate connection may be your parent, or to your child, or to your sibling. Or your strongest connection may be to a soulmate who has not incarnated during your lifetime and who is watching over you from the other side like a guardian angel.
Sometimes your soulmate is willing and available. He or she might recognize the passion and the chemistry between you,the intimate and subtle bonds that imply connections over many lifetimes. Yet he or she may be toxic for you. It is a matter of soul development.
If one soul is less developed and more ignorant than the other, traits of violence, greed, jealousy, hatred and fear might be brought into the relationship. These tendencies are toxic to the more evolved soul, even if from a soulmate. Frequently rescue fantasies arise with, the thought, I can change him; I can help her grow. If he does allow you to help him , if in her free will she chooses not to learn and grow, the relationship is doomed. Perhaps there will be another chance in another lifetime, unless he awakens later in this one. Late awakenings do happen.
Sometimes soulmates decide not to get married while incarnated. They arrange to meet, to stay together until the agreed upon task is completed, and then move on. Their agendas, their lesson plans for the entirety of this life, are different, and they do not want to or need to spend all of this lifetime together.this is not a tragedy just a matter of learning. You have eternal life together, but sometimes you may ned to take separate classes together.
A soulmate who is available but unawakened is a tragic figure and can cause you great anguish.unawakened means that he or she does not see life clearly,is not aware of the many levels of existence.unawakened means not knowing about souls.usually it’s the everyday mind that prevents the awakening.
We hear the excuses of the mind all the time--- I am too young; I need more experience; I am not ready to settle down yet; you are of a different religion (region , race social status, intellectual level, cultural background, and so on…). They all excuses for souls possess none of these attributes.
The person may recognize the chemistry. The attraction is definitely there, but the source of the chemistry is not understood. It is delusional to believe that this is passion, this soul recognition and attraction will be found again with another person. You do not run into such a soulmate everyday, perhaps only one or two more in a lifetime. Divine grace may reward a good heart and a loving soul. Never worry about meeting soulmates. Such meetings are a matter of destiny. They will occur. After the meeting the free will of both the partners reigns. What decisions are made or not made are a matter of free will of choice. The less awakened make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices. Unfortunately this often leads to heartache. The more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love. When both partners are awake ecstasy is within reach, but this is an ideal condition.”
explore his works definitely.....its worth the effort.....
Some things are so familiar…..some things so loathsome. Why?
Maybe there is a colony of souls…..a family that moves together through ages and meet and leave every lifetime. That’s what he meant when he said---
“You will not always marry your most strongly bonded soulmate. There may be more than one for you because soul families travel together.You might choose to marry a less bonded soul companion, one who has something specific to teach you or something specific to learn form you.
Your recognition of a soul mate may occur later in life, after both of you are already committed to your present life families. Or your stronger soulmate connection may be your parent, or to your child, or to your sibling. Or your strongest connection may be to a soulmate who has not incarnated during your lifetime and who is watching over you from the other side like a guardian angel.
Sometimes your soulmate is willing and available. He or she might recognize the passion and the chemistry between you,the intimate and subtle bonds that imply connections over many lifetimes. Yet he or she may be toxic for you. It is a matter of soul development.
If one soul is less developed and more ignorant than the other, traits of violence, greed, jealousy, hatred and fear might be brought into the relationship. These tendencies are toxic to the more evolved soul, even if from a soulmate. Frequently rescue fantasies arise with, the thought, I can change him; I can help her grow. If he does allow you to help him , if in her free will she chooses not to learn and grow, the relationship is doomed. Perhaps there will be another chance in another lifetime, unless he awakens later in this one. Late awakenings do happen.
Sometimes soulmates decide not to get married while incarnated. They arrange to meet, to stay together until the agreed upon task is completed, and then move on. Their agendas, their lesson plans for the entirety of this life, are different, and they do not want to or need to spend all of this lifetime together.this is not a tragedy just a matter of learning. You have eternal life together, but sometimes you may ned to take separate classes together.
A soulmate who is available but unawakened is a tragic figure and can cause you great anguish.unawakened means that he or she does not see life clearly,is not aware of the many levels of existence.unawakened means not knowing about souls.usually it’s the everyday mind that prevents the awakening.
We hear the excuses of the mind all the time--- I am too young; I need more experience; I am not ready to settle down yet; you are of a different religion (region , race social status, intellectual level, cultural background, and so on…). They all excuses for souls possess none of these attributes.
The person may recognize the chemistry. The attraction is definitely there, but the source of the chemistry is not understood. It is delusional to believe that this is passion, this soul recognition and attraction will be found again with another person. You do not run into such a soulmate everyday, perhaps only one or two more in a lifetime. Divine grace may reward a good heart and a loving soul. Never worry about meeting soulmates. Such meetings are a matter of destiny. They will occur. After the meeting the free will of both the partners reigns. What decisions are made or not made are a matter of free will of choice. The less awakened make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices. Unfortunately this often leads to heartache. The more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love. When both partners are awake ecstasy is within reach, but this is an ideal condition.”
Sunday, June 24, 2007
just a rather nice day...........
Havent had a lot of really nice days in the recent past.today was special because my neighbour just happened to bring home a new german shepherd pup.............awwwwwwww the pup was so cute.......with soft velvety ears.........and pansy brown eyes...............and looked at me really scared..................i just couldnt resist and for those who know me ................they know what that means................hehehe..............i was all over the dog rather than he being all over me......................
Brings back fond memories of my baby..........pepper...............how i brought himup and stuck by him till his last breath..................it costed me a few grey hairs and loads of tears.............but i wouldnt change it ever..........................loved that chap with all i had in me...............more like a mother with her real child...............and whats so special about pepper...............was somewhere deep down he knew it too.............and whenever he was in distress or pain would come scampering upto me..........
Cant ever replace him,though i have decided that when i have a place of my own after i start working i am going to get another dog.reminds me of that song .............
DREAMS are nothing more than wishes........
one thing is for sure i could never settle down and live with a person who doesnt love animals as passionately.........decided long ago that my kids would live and love nature, and as much time i could get i would encourage them to trek and travel and be outdoors.............want to explore numerous places.....................in india and abroad........and god willing i will someday..............but for now..............there are things needed to be done
Dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream.....
wished to come true....
Brings back fond memories of my baby..........pepper...............how i brought himup and stuck by him till his last breath..................it costed me a few grey hairs and loads of tears.............but i wouldnt change it ever..........................loved that chap with all i had in me...............more like a mother with her real child...............and whats so special about pepper...............was somewhere deep down he knew it too.............and whenever he was in distress or pain would come scampering upto me..........
Cant ever replace him,though i have decided that when i have a place of my own after i start working i am going to get another dog.reminds me of that song .............
DREAMS are nothing more than wishes........
one thing is for sure i could never settle down and live with a person who doesnt love animals as passionately.........decided long ago that my kids would live and love nature, and as much time i could get i would encourage them to trek and travel and be outdoors.............want to explore numerous places.....................in india and abroad........and god willing i will someday..............but for now..............there are things needed to be done
Dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream.....
wished to come true....
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
MY EXISTENCE
There is a certain familiarity that scares me so
Whispers from the past
A look on a face, the smile, the scorn, the indifference
Oh so achingly familiar
And yet when I try to clear the haze
I can see none
A bliss and yet a torture
Why can’t I fathom it?
Eternally… incessantly have I asked?
Sent the question out into this immeasurable void…
And yet the silence my eternal answer
A benediction
Lay hidden in all its glory within me
It’s strange, and those who don’t understand will find me a stranger
A silence that answers all a pain that is pleasure still
It’s like this inexplicable feeling the origin and end of which is me
And entrapped in its golden threads am I
I loved no one with as much passion as I did my God
And he deserted me not…ever
And yet my soul yearns for more
My God smirks at me so…
A voice whispered… the answer lies within
And I delved deep into my consciousness
All I found was…
Patience, waiting and love…
A love immeasurable… patience tested sore by ages past
And a waiting that have known worlds
I find tiny fragments within me…
Some little bits of consciousness
A sudden remembrance
A reverence for something precious I held
I don’t know what it is
But I know for certain… it is the source of my strength
It’s the reason I live over and over again
And yet I can’t see…
It is that steel that makes me bend but not break
And all through this I smile
At my own follies and fumbling ineptitude
Knowing well that I am a master past in this
And yet….why do I stumble so
Over and over again
Have walked these lanes…walk them blindfolded even today
And yet know not when I walked them
This life I am growing as I grew many lives before…
Never remember anything …
But the certainty that I was there is all I carry
And carry beyond the grave will I
A burning memory…of a blank?
A blank that is greater than all …
a meaning stronger than the strongest
And in sudden fear I hold close to my heart my God.
Seek solace from him…
Lavish him with all my love, anoint him, bless him, and praise him
And still in my heart I have a tiny space…
A question…
That like a tiny bubble doth expand and surge forth
With the strength of a thousand oceans
And all it asks…
“What am I?”
Why do I hurt so badly… that it is difficult to draw breath
And yet in the next breath find it in me to bless
To love and care, when all I wish is the capacity to hate
Never have I been able to hate
Wanted to destroy, wanted to wield vengeance
Why my Lord
I ask eternally… why can’t I be Human…
And yet in being human can’t hate
The form is there but the soul can’t hurt
Only be hurt…
“Why?”
Into that void I send them….these questions that plague me so…
A voice whispered… the answer lies within
And I delved deep into my consciousness
All I found was…
Patience, waiting and love…
A love immeasurable… patience tested sore by ages past
And a waiting that have known worlds…
Whispers from the past
A look on a face, the smile, the scorn, the indifference
Oh so achingly familiar
And yet when I try to clear the haze
I can see none
A bliss and yet a torture
Why can’t I fathom it?
Eternally… incessantly have I asked?
Sent the question out into this immeasurable void…
And yet the silence my eternal answer
A benediction
Lay hidden in all its glory within me
It’s strange, and those who don’t understand will find me a stranger
A silence that answers all a pain that is pleasure still
It’s like this inexplicable feeling the origin and end of which is me
And entrapped in its golden threads am I
I loved no one with as much passion as I did my God
And he deserted me not…ever
And yet my soul yearns for more
My God smirks at me so…
A voice whispered… the answer lies within
And I delved deep into my consciousness
All I found was…
Patience, waiting and love…
A love immeasurable… patience tested sore by ages past
And a waiting that have known worlds
I find tiny fragments within me…
Some little bits of consciousness
A sudden remembrance
A reverence for something precious I held
I don’t know what it is
But I know for certain… it is the source of my strength
It’s the reason I live over and over again
And yet I can’t see…
It is that steel that makes me bend but not break
And all through this I smile
At my own follies and fumbling ineptitude
Knowing well that I am a master past in this
And yet….why do I stumble so
Over and over again
Have walked these lanes…walk them blindfolded even today
And yet know not when I walked them
This life I am growing as I grew many lives before…
Never remember anything …
But the certainty that I was there is all I carry
And carry beyond the grave will I
A burning memory…of a blank?
A blank that is greater than all …
a meaning stronger than the strongest
And in sudden fear I hold close to my heart my God.
Seek solace from him…
Lavish him with all my love, anoint him, bless him, and praise him
And still in my heart I have a tiny space…
A question…
That like a tiny bubble doth expand and surge forth
With the strength of a thousand oceans
And all it asks…
“What am I?”
Why do I hurt so badly… that it is difficult to draw breath
And yet in the next breath find it in me to bless
To love and care, when all I wish is the capacity to hate
Never have I been able to hate
Wanted to destroy, wanted to wield vengeance
Why my Lord
I ask eternally… why can’t I be Human…
And yet in being human can’t hate
The form is there but the soul can’t hurt
Only be hurt…
“Why?”
Into that void I send them….these questions that plague me so…
A voice whispered… the answer lies within
And I delved deep into my consciousness
All I found was…
Patience, waiting and love…
A love immeasurable… patience tested sore by ages past
And a waiting that have known worlds…
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
DREAMS
Dreams are the realization of our inner yearnings
Those cravings buried deep inside the chasm of the mind
The bottom a darkness you couldn’t plunge
And the peaks of dizzy heights never scaled
That is why they are called dreams
Depths unexplored, unfound
Heights unconquered
And when you think you’ve reached the top…
It’s just reality…
No dream anymore
The charm of reaching there dissipates like vapour in the heat of the sun
And yet again the journey begins
Scaling heights, exploring the unknown
Infinity in all capacity
Insurmountable and alluring
The reason why we run after targets, deadlines…
And chase towards the horizon
Its nothing but man’s innate need to fulfill them
To explore the best, the ideal
And all the while the benchmark shifts further and further…
Those dreams we nurture are the life blood of the soul
The hope we feed on like hungry mortals on manna from the heavens
Devouring and yet never satiated
Always hungry for more…more…and more…
From one life to another
Searching, seeking and never letting go
Till the dream of freedom is finally revealed in all its glory
And the scales of worldliness fall along the way
And the soul is one burnished entity of the dream of freedom
Nothing but the essence of the soul itself
One united in the other
Inseparable and in perfect communion.
Those cravings buried deep inside the chasm of the mind
The bottom a darkness you couldn’t plunge
And the peaks of dizzy heights never scaled
That is why they are called dreams
Depths unexplored, unfound
Heights unconquered
And when you think you’ve reached the top…
It’s just reality…
No dream anymore
The charm of reaching there dissipates like vapour in the heat of the sun
And yet again the journey begins
Scaling heights, exploring the unknown
Infinity in all capacity
Insurmountable and alluring
The reason why we run after targets, deadlines…
And chase towards the horizon
Its nothing but man’s innate need to fulfill them
To explore the best, the ideal
And all the while the benchmark shifts further and further…
Those dreams we nurture are the life blood of the soul
The hope we feed on like hungry mortals on manna from the heavens
Devouring and yet never satiated
Always hungry for more…more…and more…
From one life to another
Searching, seeking and never letting go
Till the dream of freedom is finally revealed in all its glory
And the scales of worldliness fall along the way
And the soul is one burnished entity of the dream of freedom
Nothing but the essence of the soul itself
One united in the other
Inseparable and in perfect communion.
FAITH ---inconsequential? OR indespensible?
Blurred lines I see
Torment is all that I feel
Long to be on an even keel
But nay, it’s my lot
To yearn, to strive, to charge forward
With nothing but my Faith with me.
I will one day, someday be victorious
All my devils laid to rest
But for now I still charge on in faith
Faith---A inconsequential word
Meaning so little and yet governs out life
The basis for all we do
The basis for all we believe---
For all what we are.
My Faith struggles not
But once in a while I come across someone
who questions its validity
And I am forced to realize
That perfect communion isn’t in my lot
That no one shall or will understand
My faith---Baseless,
Yet standing lofty amid the sands of corrupt insanity.
I don’t need details
It’s just the feeling deep within that nurtures me
That powers my soul to be
Its mettle shining bright
Polished through the rough chaffing of time
Each experience burnishing it.
But as I stand on the shore I life…
Watching the winds and waves of time charge in
Recede and take away the pain
Leaving behind soft sands of fragrant salty memories…
I know my keeper thou shalt be
From now till eternity
And I need no one but thee
To nourish my soul.
Torment is all that I feel
Long to be on an even keel
But nay, it’s my lot
To yearn, to strive, to charge forward
With nothing but my Faith with me.
I will one day, someday be victorious
All my devils laid to rest
But for now I still charge on in faith
Faith---A inconsequential word
Meaning so little and yet governs out life
The basis for all we do
The basis for all we believe---
For all what we are.
My Faith struggles not
But once in a while I come across someone
who questions its validity
And I am forced to realize
That perfect communion isn’t in my lot
That no one shall or will understand
My faith---Baseless,
Yet standing lofty amid the sands of corrupt insanity.
I don’t need details
It’s just the feeling deep within that nurtures me
That powers my soul to be
Its mettle shining bright
Polished through the rough chaffing of time
Each experience burnishing it.
But as I stand on the shore I life…
Watching the winds and waves of time charge in
Recede and take away the pain
Leaving behind soft sands of fragrant salty memories…
I know my keeper thou shalt be
From now till eternity
And I need no one but thee
To nourish my soul.
BLISTERING SUMMER
Mine eyes doth pain
With the continuous watchful wait
Standing straight and silent
I gaze with a strength that would invoke a response
From the cruelest , most heartless soul
Tired , oh so tired and yet I gaze on
Dried leaves strewn on the grass
Swept past me on dry wings of an equally tired but restless wind
Cascading dying leaves all around me I see
The yellowing ghosts,
bright and shiny before departing for their brown abodes
and the sky ,a dusty gun metal grey
brings forth no respite.
No heavenly sprite clothed in wisps of grey and blue
To purge our souls with her cooling balm
Withered men and women
Tired walk about,hope is all that is left in their movements
Sapped,defeated yet awaiting that last release
Some face a long wait
Some have waited aeons
And yet wait some more…
Oh! What a fate,each an ancient mariner
Wild with the hunger in the soul
Each restless for the final escape
Yearning for deliverance and not knowing the way
Lost and found all at once
At mercy of the elements
Mere mortal shrouding souls of fire
Parched and dried but not beaten
Or are they spirits walking in the heat of this blistering summer?
Tired I trundle on…
And what do I see?
Dried leaves strewn on the grass
Swept past me on dry wings of an equally tired but restless wind
Cascading dying leaves all around me I see
The yellowing ghosts,
bright and shiny before departing for their brown abodes
and the sky ,a dusty gun metal grey
brings forth no respite.
With the continuous watchful wait
Standing straight and silent
I gaze with a strength that would invoke a response
From the cruelest , most heartless soul
Tired , oh so tired and yet I gaze on
Dried leaves strewn on the grass
Swept past me on dry wings of an equally tired but restless wind
Cascading dying leaves all around me I see
The yellowing ghosts,
bright and shiny before departing for their brown abodes
and the sky ,a dusty gun metal grey
brings forth no respite.
No heavenly sprite clothed in wisps of grey and blue
To purge our souls with her cooling balm
Withered men and women
Tired walk about,hope is all that is left in their movements
Sapped,defeated yet awaiting that last release
Some face a long wait
Some have waited aeons
And yet wait some more…
Oh! What a fate,each an ancient mariner
Wild with the hunger in the soul
Each restless for the final escape
Yearning for deliverance and not knowing the way
Lost and found all at once
At mercy of the elements
Mere mortal shrouding souls of fire
Parched and dried but not beaten
Or are they spirits walking in the heat of this blistering summer?
Tired I trundle on…
And what do I see?
Dried leaves strewn on the grass
Swept past me on dry wings of an equally tired but restless wind
Cascading dying leaves all around me I see
The yellowing ghosts,
bright and shiny before departing for their brown abodes
and the sky ,a dusty gun metal grey
brings forth no respite.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
THE WAITING......
In and out, in and out……….
I breathe and wonder if it will be my last
A wait longer than millions of years
A million more to go…
Sitting by the window …
A deathly stillness in the air
Nothing moves outside
The countryside absolutely barren off everything
Save the white mantle it wears
Trees like frosted over ….curious grotesque shapes
Standing like mute tired sentinels
Bear testimony to my wait……….
Sometimes I wonder if they understand my pain
Their absolute stillness going unnoticed by the teeming millions
But on nights like this…when all the worlds abed
Except me ………..
A restless soul………………that never found what I searched
I understand their mute anguish as they understand mine
A sudden wind blows a few stray snowflakes across the window…..
My breath frosts the window as I sigh deeply
Stillness and turbulence all rolled into one
A lesson learnt……..
I’ve learnt that the wait never ends
That there is no end to my pain …….
That there never was anyone……..
Not even one single measly soul
Who could understand?
On whose shoulder I could rest my head
Who would shield me from the stormy blast……..
As I would protect him from the cares of the world……..
It’s not the pain of not having a mate…….
Its much more……….its the pain of not having…your reflection
It’s the pain of knowing that you are all alone…
And as I sit by this cold winter morn……
The night whittled away in the wait
Yet again do I sigh and begin the day
My contemplative self covered from all prying eyes
Ready to indulge in the day’s mundane work…
The screen is shut……the blinds drawn
My face a clear mask of unconcern………
I guess this is my fate.
My lot……….to never be understood.
I breathe and wonder if it will be my last
A wait longer than millions of years
A million more to go…
Sitting by the window …
A deathly stillness in the air
Nothing moves outside
The countryside absolutely barren off everything
Save the white mantle it wears
Trees like frosted over ….curious grotesque shapes
Standing like mute tired sentinels
Bear testimony to my wait……….
Sometimes I wonder if they understand my pain
Their absolute stillness going unnoticed by the teeming millions
But on nights like this…when all the worlds abed
Except me ………..
A restless soul………………that never found what I searched
I understand their mute anguish as they understand mine
A sudden wind blows a few stray snowflakes across the window…..
My breath frosts the window as I sigh deeply
Stillness and turbulence all rolled into one
A lesson learnt……..
I’ve learnt that the wait never ends
That there is no end to my pain …….
That there never was anyone……..
Not even one single measly soul
Who could understand?
On whose shoulder I could rest my head
Who would shield me from the stormy blast……..
As I would protect him from the cares of the world……..
It’s not the pain of not having a mate…….
Its much more……….its the pain of not having…your reflection
It’s the pain of knowing that you are all alone…
And as I sit by this cold winter morn……
The night whittled away in the wait
Yet again do I sigh and begin the day
My contemplative self covered from all prying eyes
Ready to indulge in the day’s mundane work…
The screen is shut……the blinds drawn
My face a clear mask of unconcern………
I guess this is my fate.
My lot……….to never be understood.
MY FINAL TEST.............ONE OF MY OLD POEMS........THOSE WERE THE DAYS.......
No beginning, no end
It’s been there since the hills took form
Since the oceans swollen with water surged forth
My love for you feels eternal
Embedded somewhere deep in my consciousness
Its presence irrefutable
Sharp as the tears that sting my cheek
Crisp as the early morning air that brushes my face
Pale as the moon at night
Long as the waiting I’ve been through the ages
A waiting I can’t quantify
Ageless, strong, pure and undeniable
I wait my beloved
For you to come home,
to see the same love in my eyes
The same joy in my voice
The same warmth of the heart
The same secure circle of arms
The same embrace
Constant As ever
Vigilant like the trees standing for centuries
It’s so strange I age not and ages have past
I feel thy absence and yet feel thy presence
Ever constant with me
A presence that supports me through the years
A presence matched in purity and depth
By my acknowledging love
A tribute to you
A beacon to bring you back
Like the morning star guiding the sailor across unknown waters
My love will guide you back to me
And till then I watch with fondness
The circumventing path you take
Straining at the bonds that even you know that can’t be broken
The bonds that destined you and me to meet again and again
even the Gods tried to sever but failed
Not mere mortal love
But a culmination of the highest of it all
A realization of eternal submission to thy will
My faith will never reduce
It’s the fuel of my soul
The hope that dares me to believe that you will return
You have but moved away for a short time
And the return is imminent
And when you shall be back
The circle will be complete
And we shall me merged into one
The strongest, the mightiest, the humblest
The one…
No entity, no form, no presence …
The highest level
The pinnacle of our love
Our nemesis.
And yet our blessing.
I wait still
Come home …
It’s been there since the hills took form
Since the oceans swollen with water surged forth
My love for you feels eternal
Embedded somewhere deep in my consciousness
Its presence irrefutable
Sharp as the tears that sting my cheek
Crisp as the early morning air that brushes my face
Pale as the moon at night
Long as the waiting I’ve been through the ages
A waiting I can’t quantify
Ageless, strong, pure and undeniable
I wait my beloved
For you to come home,
to see the same love in my eyes
The same joy in my voice
The same warmth of the heart
The same secure circle of arms
The same embrace
Constant As ever
Vigilant like the trees standing for centuries
It’s so strange I age not and ages have past
I feel thy absence and yet feel thy presence
Ever constant with me
A presence that supports me through the years
A presence matched in purity and depth
By my acknowledging love
A tribute to you
A beacon to bring you back
Like the morning star guiding the sailor across unknown waters
My love will guide you back to me
And till then I watch with fondness
The circumventing path you take
Straining at the bonds that even you know that can’t be broken
The bonds that destined you and me to meet again and again
even the Gods tried to sever but failed
Not mere mortal love
But a culmination of the highest of it all
A realization of eternal submission to thy will
My faith will never reduce
It’s the fuel of my soul
The hope that dares me to believe that you will return
You have but moved away for a short time
And the return is imminent
And when you shall be back
The circle will be complete
And we shall me merged into one
The strongest, the mightiest, the humblest
The one…
No entity, no form, no presence …
The highest level
The pinnacle of our love
Our nemesis.
And yet our blessing.
I wait still
Come home …
SWEET OBLIVION
The air doth hold a stillness that bespeaks of a certain waiting
The waiting of an eternity
Of the decisions I have to make and never did make
The ultimate break…..my forte and none can do but me
The floor I treat on…my anklets making a familiar jangling noise
Chiming to the movements of my feet
That incessantly beat a way to insanity
The soul doth wonder when there will be respite
When it shall rest eternally
When it shall be eternally happy in blissful oblivion
Yes it is oblivion that I seek
That makes me sit up the dark of the night and wonder at my existence
It is oblivion…..a break from all the tortured feelings
Lifetimes and memories I hold within my small body…
A lifetime and many more all compressed
And someday it shall all come out and I shall be taken by surprise
Unprepared for the deluge, swept away by the force of the tide
The strength evades me
Courage deserted, and mind and body made infirm by the bondages of this life
And yet I strive for that oblivion
While the gods laugh at the wretched vanity of my being
Am I too arrogant?
To presume that I am capable of what very few have done
Is the strength of my purpose as solid as the rock on which my home stands?
Or am like the sand that gets washed away as the tide turns in?
The answers no one knoweth
And still are entrenched in the very same depths of my soul…
The soul that yearns for freedom and hath held the key to it.
And as I think these grave thoughts……..
Pacing back and forth……my anklets jangling
I wonder if I will ever see that oblivion…
Is death the only one to relieve me or is there another way
And look and look and look is all I do
Still finding no answer………
The waiting of an eternity
Of the decisions I have to make and never did make
The ultimate break…..my forte and none can do but me
The floor I treat on…my anklets making a familiar jangling noise
Chiming to the movements of my feet
That incessantly beat a way to insanity
The soul doth wonder when there will be respite
When it shall rest eternally
When it shall be eternally happy in blissful oblivion
Yes it is oblivion that I seek
That makes me sit up the dark of the night and wonder at my existence
It is oblivion…..a break from all the tortured feelings
Lifetimes and memories I hold within my small body…
A lifetime and many more all compressed
And someday it shall all come out and I shall be taken by surprise
Unprepared for the deluge, swept away by the force of the tide
The strength evades me
Courage deserted, and mind and body made infirm by the bondages of this life
And yet I strive for that oblivion
While the gods laugh at the wretched vanity of my being
Am I too arrogant?
To presume that I am capable of what very few have done
Is the strength of my purpose as solid as the rock on which my home stands?
Or am like the sand that gets washed away as the tide turns in?
The answers no one knoweth
And still are entrenched in the very same depths of my soul…
The soul that yearns for freedom and hath held the key to it.
And as I think these grave thoughts……..
Pacing back and forth……my anklets jangling
I wonder if I will ever see that oblivion…
Is death the only one to relieve me or is there another way
And look and look and look is all I do
Still finding no answer………
DONNE … makes me go sentimental…
Was reading my favorite old book of poems by John Donne, and every time I read it I feel strangulated and suffocated. It brings back memories long dead and gone, chases my soul into dark corners where it writhes with the frustrations of unfulfilment.
And yet I get dragged to the book, over and over again like a moth to the flame. Like a sickness I cant quite control , an indulgence I know that will tear strips off my soul, show me naked bare and with nowhere to hide.
I look out of the window, my face bare and all emotions flitting across it. Do I deserve to be tortured so? Why do I keep this book? Is it a relic? Or is it mute testimony to what I am destined to go through.
When I spied it in a fair…..all I thought when I leafed through its pages was-“so much pain and love…I wish someone could love like this for true…I wish I was the fortunate one to receive such love, pure boundless, and unconditional.”
And sighed and never let go of it.
Was reading it today and thought I would share with you some …
When thou sigh’st, thou sigh’st not wind,
But sigh’st my soul away,
When thou weep’st, unkindly kind,
My life’s blood doth decay
It cannot be
That thou lov’st me, as thou say’st
If in thine my life thou waste,
Thou art the best of me….
Call us what you will, we are made such by love;
Call her one, me another fly,
We’re tapers too, and at our cost die
And we in us find the eagle and the dove
The phoenix riddle hath more wit
By us; we two being one are it
So, to one neutral thing both sexes fit.
We die and rise the same, and prove
Mysteries by this love
We can die by it, if not live by love
And if unfit for tombs and hearse
Our legend be, it will be fit for verse;
And if no piece of chronicle we prove,
We’ll build in sonnets pretty rooms
As well a well-wrought urn becomes
The greatest ashes, as half-acre tombs,
Us canonized for love
(One of his dark poems of hate)
The Message
Send home to me my long stray’d eyes to me,
Which O! too long have dwelt on thee;
Yet since there they have learn’d such ill;
Such forc’d fashions,
That they be
Made by thee
Fit for no good sight, keep them still.
Send home my harmless heart again,
Which no unworthy thought could stain
But if it be taught by thine
To make jestings
Of protestings;
And cross both
Word and oath,
Keep it, for ‘tis none of mine.
Yet send me back my heart and eyes,
That I may know, and see thy lies,
And may laugh and joy, when thou
Art in anguish and dost languish
For someone
That will none,
Or prove as false as thou art now.
Eloquent isn’t it? But what feels so special is I connect with his words in an unfathomable way. As though I’ve been through all those emotions, emotions that forced his sensitivity to pen them down…
Its strange how through centuries one sees goodness and love survive. There is an answering call in each one of us…….maybe later in life for most, but for me it came early………..and its presence I call “the waiting”. I know I am not being very coherent and don’t make much sense but for those of you who question the unquestionable…..
There is a certain charm about his poetic style. He delves deeply into the metaphysical, but to me he is just a magician who weaves all thoughts into a fabric that feels so soft and so secure, I’d call his poetry the answer to an idealist’s prayer.
Deep, honest, unconditional, pure…
Hope I have whetted your appetite for his words….and hope many of you find solace in them, like me…over and over again in the years to come.
And yet I get dragged to the book, over and over again like a moth to the flame. Like a sickness I cant quite control , an indulgence I know that will tear strips off my soul, show me naked bare and with nowhere to hide.
I look out of the window, my face bare and all emotions flitting across it. Do I deserve to be tortured so? Why do I keep this book? Is it a relic? Or is it mute testimony to what I am destined to go through.
When I spied it in a fair…..all I thought when I leafed through its pages was-“so much pain and love…I wish someone could love like this for true…I wish I was the fortunate one to receive such love, pure boundless, and unconditional.”
And sighed and never let go of it.
Was reading it today and thought I would share with you some …
When thou sigh’st, thou sigh’st not wind,
But sigh’st my soul away,
When thou weep’st, unkindly kind,
My life’s blood doth decay
It cannot be
That thou lov’st me, as thou say’st
If in thine my life thou waste,
Thou art the best of me….
Call us what you will, we are made such by love;
Call her one, me another fly,
We’re tapers too, and at our cost die
And we in us find the eagle and the dove
The phoenix riddle hath more wit
By us; we two being one are it
So, to one neutral thing both sexes fit.
We die and rise the same, and prove
Mysteries by this love
We can die by it, if not live by love
And if unfit for tombs and hearse
Our legend be, it will be fit for verse;
And if no piece of chronicle we prove,
We’ll build in sonnets pretty rooms
As well a well-wrought urn becomes
The greatest ashes, as half-acre tombs,
Us canonized for love
(One of his dark poems of hate)
The Message
Send home to me my long stray’d eyes to me,
Which O! too long have dwelt on thee;
Yet since there they have learn’d such ill;
Such forc’d fashions,
That they be
Made by thee
Fit for no good sight, keep them still.
Send home my harmless heart again,
Which no unworthy thought could stain
But if it be taught by thine
To make jestings
Of protestings;
And cross both
Word and oath,
Keep it, for ‘tis none of mine.
Yet send me back my heart and eyes,
That I may know, and see thy lies,
And may laugh and joy, when thou
Art in anguish and dost languish
For someone
That will none,
Or prove as false as thou art now.
Eloquent isn’t it? But what feels so special is I connect with his words in an unfathomable way. As though I’ve been through all those emotions, emotions that forced his sensitivity to pen them down…
Its strange how through centuries one sees goodness and love survive. There is an answering call in each one of us…….maybe later in life for most, but for me it came early………..and its presence I call “the waiting”. I know I am not being very coherent and don’t make much sense but for those of you who question the unquestionable…..
There is a certain charm about his poetic style. He delves deeply into the metaphysical, but to me he is just a magician who weaves all thoughts into a fabric that feels so soft and so secure, I’d call his poetry the answer to an idealist’s prayer.
Deep, honest, unconditional, pure…
Hope I have whetted your appetite for his words….and hope many of you find solace in them, like me…over and over again in the years to come.
DARK MOMENTS OF DESPAIR
Feel like writing a poem today
But the words fail me
Is it just the words that fail me?
Or the whole failure dawning on me
Can there be a disillusion beyond disillusionment?
Can there be a depth of misery beyond the deepest misery?
Can there be a joy beyond a joy?
Can there be contentment to wipe out every painful memory?
I can never describe the feeling
A feeling it is
A joy, a contentment and yet a misery beyond all…
Painful and yet a pain I yearn to go through again and yet again
Such is the feeling of love
Indescribable exultation
A high one doesn’t easily come down from
Till the lows dumb you rock bottom…
That the realization doesn’t even register
And one is left floundering, helpless, and hapless
Powerless to do anything except bid time.
Time the most precious commodity
Many would wish it turned back
Many would wish it would speed up
Many would pray for blissful oblivion
Many would pray for its healing properties
Anonymity and unconcern we pray for
A state of isolation and immunity
Even in the midst of the world
Today I feel like not talking to anyone
Because no one can help me
Help isn’t what I want
A place to hide is what I crave
Somewhere I could go and grab a slice of peace
A little tranquility I could absorb into my veins
Am I am escapist?
Nay or I wouldn’t ever have gotten into the mess I am in now
Slow is my speed of understanding
Didn’t see what stared me in the face
Just plodded on with supreme confidence
And prayed that I wasn’t wrong
But lo behold…
The god’s had something else in mind…
No Ave Maria helped…
I know the slide back was imminent…
And so its begun
Snowballing my life with a speed that defies all
And all I can do is watch helplessly
Face serene and composed in resignation
While the mind and heart screams in pain of violation
So deep that no one can even begin to fathom
Disillusion has set in…
I hope for my sake
I haven’t forgotten how to love and how to forgive
I don’t want to be an empty shell
That would for me be the ultimate death knell
What would I do…?
For whom would I do it…?
Not a single soul I could look at and say……
Thou shall my mainstay be
An emptiness pervades the soul
Makes me feel lazy with a lassitude
That beckons the beginning of the end
An end of all feeling
A hardening that shall never crack when fortified.
But the words fail me
Is it just the words that fail me?
Or the whole failure dawning on me
Can there be a disillusion beyond disillusionment?
Can there be a depth of misery beyond the deepest misery?
Can there be a joy beyond a joy?
Can there be contentment to wipe out every painful memory?
I can never describe the feeling
A feeling it is
A joy, a contentment and yet a misery beyond all…
Painful and yet a pain I yearn to go through again and yet again
Such is the feeling of love
Indescribable exultation
A high one doesn’t easily come down from
Till the lows dumb you rock bottom…
That the realization doesn’t even register
And one is left floundering, helpless, and hapless
Powerless to do anything except bid time.
Time the most precious commodity
Many would wish it turned back
Many would wish it would speed up
Many would pray for blissful oblivion
Many would pray for its healing properties
Anonymity and unconcern we pray for
A state of isolation and immunity
Even in the midst of the world
Today I feel like not talking to anyone
Because no one can help me
Help isn’t what I want
A place to hide is what I crave
Somewhere I could go and grab a slice of peace
A little tranquility I could absorb into my veins
Am I am escapist?
Nay or I wouldn’t ever have gotten into the mess I am in now
Slow is my speed of understanding
Didn’t see what stared me in the face
Just plodded on with supreme confidence
And prayed that I wasn’t wrong
But lo behold…
The god’s had something else in mind…
No Ave Maria helped…
I know the slide back was imminent…
And so its begun
Snowballing my life with a speed that defies all
And all I can do is watch helplessly
Face serene and composed in resignation
While the mind and heart screams in pain of violation
So deep that no one can even begin to fathom
Disillusion has set in…
I hope for my sake
I haven’t forgotten how to love and how to forgive
I don’t want to be an empty shell
That would for me be the ultimate death knell
What would I do…?
For whom would I do it…?
Not a single soul I could look at and say……
Thou shall my mainstay be
An emptiness pervades the soul
Makes me feel lazy with a lassitude
That beckons the beginning of the end
An end of all feeling
A hardening that shall never crack when fortified.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
TEARS
Isnt it strange............that they flow when you are happy and even when you are sad.........when you are helpless..........or when you are mortified by some great embarassment.....soem even cry when they are deeply angry.........and i thought it was distress which caused them to flow mostly...........
I am not a person prone to tears.......but nor do i find shame in them....when willy nilly they escape and roll down your face........for em they are not a weakness as many would say.........but just a symbol of sensitivity..........
I sometimes wonder if everyone has the same share of tears to shed.......or is someones lot more than the others?
there is a certain beauty in shedding tears when sitting alone.......and just letting the feelings taking over.......buffeting you with a force even a typhoon could equal.....something unexplicable that can make a strong man tremble too..........
the other day i was sitting on the beach at night and taking stock of my life.........just good natured rumination and absorbing the waves.....trying to feel one with God ...........and in that all i could do was watch mute as ters rolled down.......i wasnt crying and yet crying......crying for the beauty of the night.....crying for what i had lost......crying for what i had gained......and most of all crying because "the waiting" hadnt ended for me........
didnt feel better as people say.......just empty and numb........as though there was nothing left inside me...........strange feeling...........but its something im used to.......have felt it numerous times.........yet everytime it comes upon me its like a new feeling...........
Someone said ..........."we have the stars, why cry for the moon...........let us be content...lest we land up with a handful od stardust"
I am not a person prone to tears.......but nor do i find shame in them....when willy nilly they escape and roll down your face........for em they are not a weakness as many would say.........but just a symbol of sensitivity..........
I sometimes wonder if everyone has the same share of tears to shed.......or is someones lot more than the others?
there is a certain beauty in shedding tears when sitting alone.......and just letting the feelings taking over.......buffeting you with a force even a typhoon could equal.....something unexplicable that can make a strong man tremble too..........
the other day i was sitting on the beach at night and taking stock of my life.........just good natured rumination and absorbing the waves.....trying to feel one with God ...........and in that all i could do was watch mute as ters rolled down.......i wasnt crying and yet crying......crying for the beauty of the night.....crying for what i had lost......crying for what i had gained......and most of all crying because "the waiting" hadnt ended for me........
didnt feel better as people say.......just empty and numb........as though there was nothing left inside me...........strange feeling...........but its something im used to.......have felt it numerous times.........yet everytime it comes upon me its like a new feeling...........
Someone said ..........."we have the stars, why cry for the moon...........let us be content...lest we land up with a handful od stardust"
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
strange things happen to very normal people........
ive always wondered how people who've never met in their lives can get so close........yes i am talking about my stay in AWWA Mumbai............never met the guys n gals before but i can say they have seen me through some really shitty times...........seen me at my lowest and seen me at my worst...........and more than that stood by me........its true when they say that the test of friendship is in adversity.......when you really need people around you to help .......your so called well meaning friends may magically disappear.........i guess thats the testing ground for any relationship..........
in Shabina,Kunal Rohit and Anumita i found great friends............they took me as i am which is more than what i can say for even my closest........was going through a bad patch in life................they did all they could to cheer me up........and get me out of that state.......nice bunch.......i take back at least some good memories with me..........we will keep in touch and plan to meet up sometime to goto goa together.........
in Shabina,Kunal Rohit and Anumita i found great friends............they took me as i am which is more than what i can say for even my closest........was going through a bad patch in life................they did all they could to cheer me up........and get me out of that state.......nice bunch.......i take back at least some good memories with me..........we will keep in touch and plan to meet up sometime to goto goa together.........
Monday, March 19, 2007
Chic is out chicken is in………..a new age foodie joint in the making…….
Off late I been thinking a lot about the kind of restaurant I would like to open and as I was googling to just get a feel of what kind of ambience is on offer......I found a preponderance of sophistication and dramatic decors that awe the visitor ........towering plants, exotic upholstery suck you heels off carpeting air-conditioning "just right"....etc...........a thorough foodie I have tried a variety of restaurants pan the whole spectrum , right from the seediest ramshackle breakfast joint to some of the most luxurious “definitely” upper-class eateries that rely on their décor and “service with a smile” to wow the customer, food being a sidelined issue the customer would be too embarrassed to complain about.
I’ve noticed people who are really driven by their palate don’t care about the ambience as long as hygiene is maintained. Its those segment of people I hope to “wow “someday somewhere………….
Pondering on what will attract me to the restaurant apart from a load of good well meaning subtle PR work………….would be definitely the “AROMA”……….hence I am going to name it AROMAH………….
To describe my dream it will have a lot of natural materials, jute, woven rough cloth died in vibrant shades……local handicrafts…….pottery, .predominantly earthen………loads of lanterns about the place……….but not so dim that you cannot make out the food on your plate……….a trial area…..where all the food to be sold will be on view so that you can choose what you want to eat……….and see how it looks……….and even taste it………….to fuel your anticipation ………..my food will look as good as it tastes………
I shall have potted plants with cooking herbs growing fresh……..all around the restaurant……….garlic and other sheaves hanging from the roof………..which I hope to make either cane or semi thatched………….depends……….as I said a place that relies on its food………………and the smile will be provided by those who eat there…………
Cuisine will be multinational………that’s something I still need to research on…….and will primarily depend on the place I set up………..i aim to position it for people who are jaded with the usual run of the mill restaurants and wish to get that extra zing in their lives and not to forget their taste buds and stomachs…………………
Hope this is not just a pipe dream……………..i already know what it ought not look like…………time will tell what it ought to look like……….
Sunday, March 18, 2007
humour at my own expense
Multitudes spend their lives just chasing after things people and goals in the hope that they might find meaning in the existence......that they might be needed by someoen or essential to someone's well being..........the whole concept of procreation too boils down to the same line of thought.........
And i in my naive way used to wonder why there is the need to be needed.........alas i too succumbed to this need ..........indifference is a very very scarce commodity....around ME i see people wooing love and affection through materialistic things,through blackmail,through any conceivable means............strangely this association IS NOT THE MEANS TO AN END ITS THE END.........
i just wanted to be loved and trusted unconditionally............but the world is too used to conditions.........something ive learnt to accept.........i sincerely hope though to the Lord.........that the hardness of cynicism doesnt corrode my soul before i find that unconditionality................
But in the heart of hearts.......call it intuition......or a sense of foreboding.........i know i will never find it..........its judt a hollow dream........not the means to and end but the END itself.........a perfect sifar.
And i in my naive way used to wonder why there is the need to be needed.........alas i too succumbed to this need ..........indifference is a very very scarce commodity....around ME i see people wooing love and affection through materialistic things,through blackmail,through any conceivable means............strangely this association IS NOT THE MEANS TO AN END ITS THE END.........
i just wanted to be loved and trusted unconditionally............but the world is too used to conditions.........something ive learnt to accept.........i sincerely hope though to the Lord.........that the hardness of cynicism doesnt corrode my soul before i find that unconditionality................
But in the heart of hearts.......call it intuition......or a sense of foreboding.........i know i will never find it..........its judt a hollow dream........not the means to and end but the END itself.........a perfect sifar.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
LIFE A STRANGE MIX.......
Life is a strange mix……..sometimes so much activity and at others none at all. I wonder if this is the idea behind existence, to make it meaningful, to find meaning in life. to enjoy whatever you do. I guess that is what life means………today I am not writing from the point of view of a blog………….just a sad resignation that maybe I never did understand the reason for my being………and also that a certain number of events have gone to make me feel so. It is so strange….why do we need to earn, to get settled .to have a family, to slog our life blood out?
I don’t know maybe I am making number of mistakes in life at this juncture. Maybe I am looking in the wrong direction and hoping for help that will never be forthcoming. Maybe I have made a grievous error in judgment in my personal and professional life. or maybe its just one of those days when one feels al is going wrong.
I don’t know how to see clearly and objectively. Oh what I would give to see all objectively and clearly. How beneficial it would be for me. I see right before my very own eyes…………people whom I never trusted …….standing up for me and people I trusted beyond the grave leaving me in a lurch……….what to believe…………I don’t know anymore.
Just got a call from someone I thought didn’t care for me ,didn’t respect me and what do I see………..i don’t need to speak and all is understood. how I neglect those who love me……..how I neglect their needs………that’s one mistake I seem to be making over and over again……….why am I so callous? Why am I so blind…………to be thought about in their darkest moments and their happiest moments……what more could I ask…….isn’t this love isn’t this friendship………..isn’t this trust?a trust beyond the grave is what I wanted……..it was always there…….and I was too blind to see…………a trust that speaks of love of caring of sharing and belief in what you are…………a trust that means that you can stand up and not look behind and still know there is someone behind you………..
As life unfolds on me………I surprisingly am getting to see that trust from unexpected quarters………..that I am confused at the will of God……….and I suddenly sit up and ask………to be or not to be…………….?
I don’t know maybe I am making number of mistakes in life at this juncture. Maybe I am looking in the wrong direction and hoping for help that will never be forthcoming. Maybe I have made a grievous error in judgment in my personal and professional life. or maybe its just one of those days when one feels al is going wrong.
I don’t know how to see clearly and objectively. Oh what I would give to see all objectively and clearly. How beneficial it would be for me. I see right before my very own eyes…………people whom I never trusted …….standing up for me and people I trusted beyond the grave leaving me in a lurch……….what to believe…………I don’t know anymore.
Just got a call from someone I thought didn’t care for me ,didn’t respect me and what do I see………..i don’t need to speak and all is understood. how I neglect those who love me……..how I neglect their needs………that’s one mistake I seem to be making over and over again……….why am I so callous? Why am I so blind…………to be thought about in their darkest moments and their happiest moments……what more could I ask…….isn’t this love isn’t this friendship………..isn’t this trust?a trust beyond the grave is what I wanted……..it was always there…….and I was too blind to see…………a trust that speaks of love of caring of sharing and belief in what you are…………a trust that means that you can stand up and not look behind and still know there is someone behind you………..
As life unfolds on me………I surprisingly am getting to see that trust from unexpected quarters………..that I am confused at the will of God……….and I suddenly sit up and ask………to be or not to be…………….?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
a few of my favourite flowers.......
since i am about it...let me make a list of all my favourite flowers.......i have a ertish for the purples and whites......lilies and sweet smelling ones.........but mostly i like all those flowers that have sturdy stems and can be arranged with ease....for one ......i dislike balsam or sweat pea ......because they aent vase flowers.........let me just upload the pics and let you have a feast for your eyes..........
Edelweiss is a favourite alpine flower........a favourite of mine because of its frsgile petals and easily crushed look.........a contradiction to what i just said..........i know but then am i not a contradiction myself???
blue bells
larkspurs/delphiniums
forget-me-nots
daffodils
lilies of the valley
black eyed susans
baby's breath..........
Saturday, March 10, 2007
CALA LILIES
There is something of singular beauty in this flower that i just cant take my eyes off it when i see it.........either in a vase or growing wild..........one of my favourite flowers.......the day i get married..........i shall carry the bridal bouquet with them......god willing.........
PROF RAMASASTRY
there are some people one will always remember for their queer traits...........proff ramasastry is just one of those people ....one cant forget in a hurry............my marketing proff...........who taught me how to go thru b school without kotler...........lolz.........for us SIMSITEs he is "GOD".........and not simply for the fact that he guest lectures at keloggs..........but because he put the fear of the allmighty in us if we dont give timely submissions..........and literally rips us apart with his schimitar of a tongue.
when we were freshers we ......especially females were told that ladies were his pet hate..........must to our astonishment..........i was in an all female group ......and won appreciation from him for our presentations..............
i just love the way he can rip out apart smiling and sarcastically turning the tables on you........no gyan baaji in his class.......if you know your facts.....substantiated with authentic data n numbers....he'll love you.......or simply brush you off like a irritating fly...........many flies amongst us.....lolz..........and sometimes i too was relegated to that position..................
a challenge to please him......and his creativity at humour..(ofcourse at our expense)........would give sidhu a run for his money.......
here are a few samples...........
par sach baat kahoon.....rama ki class lagane pe hi rama ka flavour samajh mein aata hai......
SEXY RAMA DIALOGUES………………….
" how will choose a wife among many girls ? will u test all of them will u compare all? how can u compare different girls having different qualities , so how can u compare whirlpool with godrej"
"Arre baba you want to marry Aishwary Rai...tell me frankly u want to or not? But are you able to satisfy all her needs...have you thought whats going to happen to you after that....?!!!"
"this joint venture is like two gay fellows trying to make babies"!!
he cud totally give siddhu a run for his money!!
If a lady is pregnent, how long can she hold...
she has to deliver, she cant hold more than 9 months...
so what are u waiting for ...come and give ur presentation... ;)
look at this girl she does not know what she is talking....she is just talking like a parrot...
ur value proposition statement should neither be a bikini nor a skirt,it should be a saree.
"This BOY is presenting the perfect example of INTELLECTUAL ORGASM" when I "tried" to point out his contradicting statements.
He is a great guy. Perfet Intellect ;)
" when rambha menka and urvashi will dance infront of u and all naked , will u close ur eyes and if yes then u r not a boy.
when maneka is dancing in front of u.. will u open ur eyes or not
ANOTHER one..
this boy has got no brains.. a perfect yerwada case..
would u like a Virgin brand whch haaas no unnecessary line extensions or would u like a brand whch is not a virgin.....
these students r like "little hanumans"! they have tremendous potential but r themselves not aware of it!
look at this buoy..hes talkin like a hindi filim hero..just beatin around the bush nt cmin to the puoint..
Look at this boy...He is talking like a donkey without tail.
Never knew tail-less donkey talked differently, or Donkey's talk for that matter.
Truly a genius..
how can a goat pull a cart carryin 100 elephants...similarly how can fastrack pull titan out of the hole its into..
This booaauuuy is traaying to be a man and a woman at the same time ... is it possible
a girl having a gud geography always had a bad history.........
if u marry a fatty lady, and have 4-5 fatty kids, which car will u buy.... u will need a tata safari!
well yesterday was the last class of Brand Mgmt of Rama's for us.....
The last dialogue i ll remember on the last day....
Some guy in our class was telling Rama his own view point...to tis he replied...."I THINK WE ARE LOOKING AT THE SAME LADY...I M LOOKING FROM THE FRONT AND UR LOOKING FROM THE BACK"....
when we were freshers we ......especially females were told that ladies were his pet hate..........must to our astonishment..........i was in an all female group ......and won appreciation from him for our presentations..............
i just love the way he can rip out apart smiling and sarcastically turning the tables on you........no gyan baaji in his class.......if you know your facts.....substantiated with authentic data n numbers....he'll love you.......or simply brush you off like a irritating fly...........many flies amongst us.....lolz..........and sometimes i too was relegated to that position..................
a challenge to please him......and his creativity at humour..(ofcourse at our expense)........would give sidhu a run for his money.......
here are a few samples...........
par sach baat kahoon.....rama ki class lagane pe hi rama ka flavour samajh mein aata hai......
SEXY RAMA DIALOGUES………………….
" how will choose a wife among many girls ? will u test all of them will u compare all? how can u compare different girls having different qualities , so how can u compare whirlpool with godrej"
"Arre baba you want to marry Aishwary Rai...tell me frankly u want to or not? But are you able to satisfy all her needs...have you thought whats going to happen to you after that....?!!!"
"this joint venture is like two gay fellows trying to make babies"!!
he cud totally give siddhu a run for his money!!
If a lady is pregnent, how long can she hold...
she has to deliver, she cant hold more than 9 months...
so what are u waiting for ...come and give ur presentation... ;)
look at this girl she does not know what she is talking....she is just talking like a parrot...
ur value proposition statement should neither be a bikini nor a skirt,it should be a saree.
"This BOY is presenting the perfect example of INTELLECTUAL ORGASM" when I "tried" to point out his contradicting statements.
He is a great guy. Perfet Intellect ;)
" when rambha menka and urvashi will dance infront of u and all naked , will u close ur eyes and if yes then u r not a boy.
when maneka is dancing in front of u.. will u open ur eyes or not
ANOTHER one..
this boy has got no brains.. a perfect yerwada case..
would u like a Virgin brand whch haaas no unnecessary line extensions or would u like a brand whch is not a virgin.....
these students r like "little hanumans"! they have tremendous potential but r themselves not aware of it!
look at this buoy..hes talkin like a hindi filim hero..just beatin around the bush nt cmin to the puoint..
Look at this boy...He is talking like a donkey without tail.
Never knew tail-less donkey talked differently, or Donkey's talk for that matter.
Truly a genius..
how can a goat pull a cart carryin 100 elephants...similarly how can fastrack pull titan out of the hole its into..
This booaauuuy is traaying to be a man and a woman at the same time ... is it possible
a girl having a gud geography always had a bad history.........
if u marry a fatty lady, and have 4-5 fatty kids, which car will u buy.... u will need a tata safari!
well yesterday was the last class of Brand Mgmt of Rama's for us.....
The last dialogue i ll remember on the last day....
Some guy in our class was telling Rama his own view point...to tis he replied...."I THINK WE ARE LOOKING AT THE SAME LADY...I M LOOKING FROM THE FRONT AND UR LOOKING FROM THE BACK"....
MY DECISION IS MADE
Finally I have made up my mind
My soul doth rest at the purpose I’ve devised for myself
Good bad or worst…
I don’t care as I embark on this …..
Yet another journey of triump, failure, turmoil……
I know not what will befall me
I know not the way
The only thing I know
I have Thee as my armour
My mainstay ……in all the storms
Such deep faith I have in thee
Thou shall deliver me from evil……..
And my protection be
There is no one who I can lean on
So much I yearn to rest………..
But life is nothing if not a test
A test of my patience
A test of my spirit
And I shall flounder not, though tempted be
For I can see the way now
At least till the horizon……
Walk it I will
The path…….only I wish……..
I wish……
I had someone to share each step
But it was never to be……
And all around me I see…….
Faces……….
Strange faces………none familiar
And in them all I look for one face……..
Never seen it but I know
The day I shall behold
Ill cry tears of blood
From the eyes that have long since dried
And parched…….
And all the while I know what I have to do
And do it I shall
Walk the way I will
Move on still……….
Till……….
I reach the crossroads……..
And yet another decision to make….
But then life never was a song
Mine never was, never will be
I have a lot of took do
Many who love me……
Their responsibilities untold
Cosset them…..love them, make them feel cherished
That’s my task…….
Never to sit under the shade of a tree and ………..
In its cooling shade bask……..
This is my lot, this is my duty
This is my life…
My soul doth rest at the purpose I’ve devised for myself
Good bad or worst…
I don’t care as I embark on this …..
Yet another journey of triump, failure, turmoil……
I know not what will befall me
I know not the way
The only thing I know
I have Thee as my armour
My mainstay ……in all the storms
Such deep faith I have in thee
Thou shall deliver me from evil……..
And my protection be
There is no one who I can lean on
So much I yearn to rest………..
But life is nothing if not a test
A test of my patience
A test of my spirit
And I shall flounder not, though tempted be
For I can see the way now
At least till the horizon……
Walk it I will
The path…….only I wish……..
I wish……
I had someone to share each step
But it was never to be……
And all around me I see…….
Faces……….
Strange faces………none familiar
And in them all I look for one face……..
Never seen it but I know
The day I shall behold
Ill cry tears of blood
From the eyes that have long since dried
And parched…….
And all the while I know what I have to do
And do it I shall
Walk the way I will
Move on still……….
Till……….
I reach the crossroads……..
And yet another decision to make….
But then life never was a song
Mine never was, never will be
I have a lot of took do
Many who love me……
Their responsibilities untold
Cosset them…..love them, make them feel cherished
That’s my task…….
Never to sit under the shade of a tree and ………..
In its cooling shade bask……..
This is my lot, this is my duty
This is my life…
SELF REALISATION ..HOW PAINFUL IT CAN GET.AND YET A RELIEF?
Today as I stand at an important juncture of my life, the cross of self-realization is something I have to bear till it ceases to plague me. I’m learning gradually what I’ve always wanted to know. However I’ve also seen that self realization no longer means self actualization …both are inherently different concepts with a very thin differentiating line. Most often they are used interchangeably. Self actualization is not just discovering the real you but treading the path that will actually be acceptable to the real you…
I read a book, but superficially comprehending it is not going to be of any use to me unless I imbibe it, understand it, and finally incorporate it into the fabric of my life.
So terribly sad… we deliberate on weighty questions of the universe in the search for freedom in the search of the self. But just knowing the self is not adequate. One needs to feed the self to do something to make it sustain its development. That is where most of us fail.siddhi is not knowing or realizing but practicing what you realize.
Today I’ve ceased to be restless because ive got a few insights about myself or maybe I need to word it a little different in light of the new knowledge I have about myself…
Ive finally accepted what ive always known but through my natural protectiveness have always ignored and tried to shy away from. Extraordinarily my subconscious knew what it was doing firewalling me in this case from the rude shocks of discovering the deepest depths of my soul.
I swear I can vouch for this any day…the process of self realization is by far the most painful…and as you go step by step further the journey becomes more and more painful…however by then the person is so conditioned to suffering the way he is destined to …that he doesn’t actually feel the pain but looks fervently towards the final goal.
You know I’ve always thought that renunciation is something that doesn’t mean much because the real man is one who stays here and does the will of god and fulfils his duties and at the same time fulfils destiny and the purpose of his being born…
Generally a sanyasi who leaves the world is fed up with the complexities of the worldly life and craves simplicity to get closer to God without the distortions created by the world to hinder that connectivity…
But he is still human and that he has given up the world is just his illusion…
To go from complexity to simplicity one needs to understand the complex process of desire, of belief, of pain, of sorrow, envy, of accumulation.
This is the true meaning of renunciation to understand and yet not be affected…till it ceases to be…and whatever has meaning can never be learned for elsewhere…you can only find it inside you when u look inside in yourself…SIMPLICITY-when you have no ashes of outward renunciation but the inward freedom from allconflicts, suppressions, ambitions, imitations.
Today ive realized this and have all along known it. this is what has pained my soul and created a conflict inside…
The real me was very simple so simple that it revolted against the imposition of the veneer we all so often use to camouflage from the world what we think is our vulnerability, but in actuality is our one and only strength.
In the true sense ive realized I had renounced the world a long time back shunned its complexities and hence found the convoluted workings a thing to ponder on and get confused against.
This is plainly expounded by the fact that I was always at variance with what really meant something to me. Hence the conflict. Now I know end accept gratefully what I know to be true. The real challenge however lies ahead of me…to incorporate this in my life…for which I have to be prepared to suffer rebuke suffer deprivation suffer ridicule and most of all the skepticism of my loved ones. Yes I did mention earlier its going to get progressively painful…this is just the beginning…
Another astounding realization ive discovered about myself is…
I talk of change…
Change from my earlier most haphazard ways to a more serial methodical and spiritually acceptable way of living and loving God.
Ive defined my goal
And the road to find it
And am walking it too….
And then all of a sudden I realized…
When I say I need to change form “this” to ‘that”, ‘that’ is already known: therefore it is not change. When I change from selfishness to selflessness I have already defined selflessness meaning it’s a not a new concept to me. The movement hence is still within a known field for me. I’ve experienced selflessness or I wouldn’t have known it…maybe what I seek I have tasted before…as I get closer marginally closer to my goal I am looking at it as though ive been there before a huge déjà vu follows at every step for me.
What I require is the final cessation of this need to change, which means the end of the desire to change. To accept what I am as I am. And make use of what I am not expect to do wonders with I am not. This involves a huge effort because since childhood we have been conditioned to think that we must change for the better. None have realized this that when we want to change for the better. That means we already know what better means and that we have it inside us already.
In short we are all white but have let layers of grime collect…the accumulation needs to stop then only will we recognize our true faces in the mirror.
And so the journey continues …
I read a book, but superficially comprehending it is not going to be of any use to me unless I imbibe it, understand it, and finally incorporate it into the fabric of my life.
So terribly sad… we deliberate on weighty questions of the universe in the search for freedom in the search of the self. But just knowing the self is not adequate. One needs to feed the self to do something to make it sustain its development. That is where most of us fail.siddhi is not knowing or realizing but practicing what you realize.
Today I’ve ceased to be restless because ive got a few insights about myself or maybe I need to word it a little different in light of the new knowledge I have about myself…
Ive finally accepted what ive always known but through my natural protectiveness have always ignored and tried to shy away from. Extraordinarily my subconscious knew what it was doing firewalling me in this case from the rude shocks of discovering the deepest depths of my soul.
I swear I can vouch for this any day…the process of self realization is by far the most painful…and as you go step by step further the journey becomes more and more painful…however by then the person is so conditioned to suffering the way he is destined to …that he doesn’t actually feel the pain but looks fervently towards the final goal.
You know I’ve always thought that renunciation is something that doesn’t mean much because the real man is one who stays here and does the will of god and fulfils his duties and at the same time fulfils destiny and the purpose of his being born…
Generally a sanyasi who leaves the world is fed up with the complexities of the worldly life and craves simplicity to get closer to God without the distortions created by the world to hinder that connectivity…
But he is still human and that he has given up the world is just his illusion…
To go from complexity to simplicity one needs to understand the complex process of desire, of belief, of pain, of sorrow, envy, of accumulation.
This is the true meaning of renunciation to understand and yet not be affected…till it ceases to be…and whatever has meaning can never be learned for elsewhere…you can only find it inside you when u look inside in yourself…SIMPLICITY-when you have no ashes of outward renunciation but the inward freedom from allconflicts, suppressions, ambitions, imitations.
Today ive realized this and have all along known it. this is what has pained my soul and created a conflict inside…
The real me was very simple so simple that it revolted against the imposition of the veneer we all so often use to camouflage from the world what we think is our vulnerability, but in actuality is our one and only strength.
In the true sense ive realized I had renounced the world a long time back shunned its complexities and hence found the convoluted workings a thing to ponder on and get confused against.
This is plainly expounded by the fact that I was always at variance with what really meant something to me. Hence the conflict. Now I know end accept gratefully what I know to be true. The real challenge however lies ahead of me…to incorporate this in my life…for which I have to be prepared to suffer rebuke suffer deprivation suffer ridicule and most of all the skepticism of my loved ones. Yes I did mention earlier its going to get progressively painful…this is just the beginning…
Another astounding realization ive discovered about myself is…
I talk of change…
Change from my earlier most haphazard ways to a more serial methodical and spiritually acceptable way of living and loving God.
Ive defined my goal
And the road to find it
And am walking it too….
And then all of a sudden I realized…
When I say I need to change form “this” to ‘that”, ‘that’ is already known: therefore it is not change. When I change from selfishness to selflessness I have already defined selflessness meaning it’s a not a new concept to me. The movement hence is still within a known field for me. I’ve experienced selflessness or I wouldn’t have known it…maybe what I seek I have tasted before…as I get closer marginally closer to my goal I am looking at it as though ive been there before a huge déjà vu follows at every step for me.
What I require is the final cessation of this need to change, which means the end of the desire to change. To accept what I am as I am. And make use of what I am not expect to do wonders with I am not. This involves a huge effort because since childhood we have been conditioned to think that we must change for the better. None have realized this that when we want to change for the better. That means we already know what better means and that we have it inside us already.
In short we are all white but have let layers of grime collect…the accumulation needs to stop then only will we recognize our true faces in the mirror.
And so the journey continues …
a POV
there are many things we genneraly dont divulge to absolute strangers...........or maybe divulge a bit too much to strangers because we know anonymity will take care of our privacy.........i did the same once.........only the person in question didnt remain a stranger.........unfortunately he never did understand me............and this issue always remained a bone of contention between us.................
but my friends for those who like to explore such a relationship...........my advise or simple observation...............it is most easy to open up but very difficult to find acceptance..............its best never to expect anything of the sort and let things take their course.........i am now trying to clear up the emotinal clutter i went through.....and see things as objectively as i can.........may God help me..........
however i must say these are the most beautiful untramelled relationships one can have................be accepted without reservations..........if only it were true in my case......
but my friends for those who like to explore such a relationship...........my advise or simple observation...............it is most easy to open up but very difficult to find acceptance..............its best never to expect anything of the sort and let things take their course.........i am now trying to clear up the emotinal clutter i went through.....and see things as objectively as i can.........may God help me..........
however i must say these are the most beautiful untramelled relationships one can have................be accepted without reservations..........if only it were true in my case......
ACCEPTANCE
There is no alternative, no respite
How much I struggle, however much I flail
It will always be there
It is the beginning and the end…
And doth at me stare…
In the glaring brightness of the day
Or the velvet darkness of the night
No, I need no sight
Yet do feel its presence
Doesn’t make me feel afraid or tense
But just an easy acceptance
Why do I struggle so against it?
A battle of wills
Who will be stronger? Of course me
For I mean to win eventually
But will I be happy, satisfied?
Will it be victory or a sad defeat?
Once again will my life be orderly and neat
Or if I’m honest a colorless tasteless and bland existence
Is this what I want?
Or the richness of a fulfilled life
Of a mission accomplished and my soul at rest
A road walked till the end…
No regrets no moment unlived
The happy and sad, the joyous and troubled a perfect blend
Each moment like a pearls strung together
The jewels of my life…
Nay Nay I will no longer fight it
It will be a part of me and wherever I go …
Will be my shadow walking in my footsteps
Its tread I do hear and so
Even in a lonely world never do feel lonesome
The One, the It, the only thing, I can call all mine
It will be there eternally even after I am gone
No longer do I struggle to supercede
But as one walk ahead broadly smiling at life’s little ways
And this shall be the pattern of my days.
How much I struggle, however much I flail
It will always be there
It is the beginning and the end…
And doth at me stare…
In the glaring brightness of the day
Or the velvet darkness of the night
No, I need no sight
Yet do feel its presence
Doesn’t make me feel afraid or tense
But just an easy acceptance
Why do I struggle so against it?
A battle of wills
Who will be stronger? Of course me
For I mean to win eventually
But will I be happy, satisfied?
Will it be victory or a sad defeat?
Once again will my life be orderly and neat
Or if I’m honest a colorless tasteless and bland existence
Is this what I want?
Or the richness of a fulfilled life
Of a mission accomplished and my soul at rest
A road walked till the end…
No regrets no moment unlived
The happy and sad, the joyous and troubled a perfect blend
Each moment like a pearls strung together
The jewels of my life…
Nay Nay I will no longer fight it
It will be a part of me and wherever I go …
Will be my shadow walking in my footsteps
Its tread I do hear and so
Even in a lonely world never do feel lonesome
The One, the It, the only thing, I can call all mine
It will be there eternally even after I am gone
No longer do I struggle to supercede
But as one walk ahead broadly smiling at life’s little ways
And this shall be the pattern of my days.
Friday, March 9, 2007
DIVINE GRACE
O Lord where wilt I find thee
In the heaven above or earth below it?
We thy children pine for thee
Why thou dost always shower your blessings upon me…
O Almighty!
Clear the hearts of all superfluity
Thou are the creator of the world
Take heed of thy little herd.
Forsake us not ever
Let not this bond ever sever…
Tired in the long race
Take me in thy loving embrace
Free me from agony and pain
Otherwise your creation is in vain….
Where art thou hidden I cannot see
Cannot fathom where thou canst be
I’ve hunted all over the earth for thee
At last I found you embedded in me!
In the heaven above or earth below it?
We thy children pine for thee
Why thou dost always shower your blessings upon me…
O Almighty!
Clear the hearts of all superfluity
Thou are the creator of the world
Take heed of thy little herd.
Forsake us not ever
Let not this bond ever sever…
Tired in the long race
Take me in thy loving embrace
Free me from agony and pain
Otherwise your creation is in vain….
Where art thou hidden I cannot see
Cannot fathom where thou canst be
I’ve hunted all over the earth for thee
At last I found you embedded in me!
THAT FEELING
The world beckons fiercely, clingingly and enrapturing my senses
But what do I really want, need…
Not this greed
Not sloth, or the sluggish lethargy of a mind go weak,
Neither the vile passions
Nor all the lust and wealth of this world.
I only want to see the world, as it should be
Clean pure and free of the colors we paint it in
Colors of the treachery of our souls
Colors so bright and enticing that they seem real
And steal all our reason,
I know this is but a season.
The season of my depravement,
The season of my temporary insanity
But look what it has left
A void
A human shell
From somewhere deep that pain doth swell again and again
“When will this purgatory end?”
Cries it again and again
.”Will there be no end?”
Am I destined to be that lone leaf flying, buffeted and tossed about in the wind
Or will I find final destination.
Rest my head and get eternal peace
The peace, which is freedom in itself –a welcome release
Yet no release
Because it never was a bondage
A feeling above else, yet no feeling at all.
Undefined, yet very sure
Secure and always there just within reach, yet far
But what do I really want, need…
Not this greed
Not sloth, or the sluggish lethargy of a mind go weak,
Neither the vile passions
Nor all the lust and wealth of this world.
I only want to see the world, as it should be
Clean pure and free of the colors we paint it in
Colors of the treachery of our souls
Colors so bright and enticing that they seem real
And steal all our reason,
I know this is but a season.
The season of my depravement,
The season of my temporary insanity
But look what it has left
A void
A human shell
From somewhere deep that pain doth swell again and again
“When will this purgatory end?”
Cries it again and again
.”Will there be no end?”
Am I destined to be that lone leaf flying, buffeted and tossed about in the wind
Or will I find final destination.
Rest my head and get eternal peace
The peace, which is freedom in itself –a welcome release
Yet no release
Because it never was a bondage
A feeling above else, yet no feeling at all.
Undefined, yet very sure
Secure and always there just within reach, yet far
MY MEMORIES OF THE DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL
After that fateful day when I met with that accident I still felt that nothing much could happen since I was alive and kicking if only figuratively. My thanks to the almighty for sparing my parents of any further pain. I love them so much that every time that they wince I wince double. Strangely enough most of their problems have been inadvertently been because of me. Never been able to dissociate from the pain of others. Though I don’t say it, express it but I feel so horribly ….so real…the anguish of others………that’s why that day………
I felt Pooja’s horror at what happened to her leg…….the blood seeping through. thank god it was a superficial cut.Aman was so much more concerned about the cut on her face…..and if it would leave a scar….the funny thing…..i remember for days after words how she used to use Nomarks just so that it didn’t leave a scar.
Thank god both were safe.
Then my sojourn started. The pain of septic flesh. I was tormented more by the pain my mother had to bear. Her only daughter laid up in a hospital and husband miles away in a hostile region (Khanabal where they had that Sikh massacre).i never let her see my physical pain. in fact I told her not to tell dad,coz I didn’t want him to be worried about me at a time when he needed all his wits about him to counteract insurgency. He had a lot of responsibility at that time, lots of lives to look after. if there is one thing I am proud about .is to be my father’s daughter. He has taught me to laugh in the face of adversity. The man fears no one and nothing. And duty comes to him before anything and anyone. a very difficult proposition to live upto but nevertheless shouldn’t the ideal always be sky high?
Let me not digress further lest you think that I am a die hard fan of my father. Well I do love him but I am not blind to his faults. when I was admitted to the hospital the surgeon in charge doctor banerjee an man of excellent repute who I remember with great fondness and esteem even today told my mother to inform my father, which I was told later on was because he wasn’t sure that he would be able to save my leg and hence wanted my father to sign the operation papers. I think that took away half of my parents life from them. They became old overnight just at the thought of that. I have always been a restless soul and restriction of mobility for me like that would amount to signing my death warrant. I would go downhill very soon and predictably without anyone knowing it…silently.
When dad came he was very annoyed with mom for not informing him earlier.14 days had lapsed since the first time stitches had been put in place. And all those days I thought I was getting better I was progressively getting worse till finally an alarming 105 temperature shocked mom into action.
Those days I wasn’t very close to dad though I still maintain I loved him all through. I might have been all kinds of things-rude horrible mean .you name it I was that. To both of them. But still they had it in themselves to forgive me. Never once they hated me. I don’t know why they love me so much. Well anyway I never saw a man pray as much as my dad does or rather did during those days. He seldom spoke mumma says. She just used to put food before him which he left barely untouched and then he used to go to sleep after listening to the news. Never told mom a single thing what happened in the operation theatre.afterwords he told …………had never seen anything as horrible. Which I still think he exaggerated. The doctor too I believe took especial care of me because he saw in me the will never to stop walking. I remember how the nurses used to do the dressings for me daily in the mornings and how I used to scream blue murder because I wasn’t allowed painkillers.gangrine cannot be affected by painkillers. It was horrible muddle. I remember very little. My selective amnesia came to rescue once again. all I remember is that dad used to be there at the hospital early in the morning at 6:00 am daily for my dressing with a flask full of sweet lime or orange juice which he used to give me to drink after the job was done and I with my swollen blotchy face used to gulp down as though it was a lifesaver.
That flask of juice was a link which was a reward and a healing touch in itself. What I call mumma ka pyar.every morning a ritual it became .mom would get up in the morning, squeeze fresh juice and then send dad off to the hospital. this was the ritual for 48 days while little by little the infection was controlled. in between I had grilling schedules with the physiotherapist as I developed a stiff knee and couldn’t walk without a limp and drag. He made me frog jump on my haunches from corridor to corridor just to loosen up the joints. The fear of not walking normally again was so much more than the oozing blood from the bandages and throbbing pain from my gaping wound.
In the evenings Dr Banerjee used to come and spend some time just talking. In a span of two weeks we were as thick as thieves. And we had discussed everything under the sun from modern medicine to economics to society to his family problems and his career aspirations. it was during that time he told me of his decision to leave the army. he said he didn’t find fulfillment in doing the job under enormous restrictions where formalities were a way of life, where medicine was important but not as important as all the red tapism which was so much a part of the army regime. I knew at that time that he was plainly fed up with the system but wouldn’t leave no matter what coz he wouldn’t know how to survive elsewhere.(the last I heard of him he was serving the president of India at RR)
Not long before I had lost something I really thought immensely precious to my life. The remnants of that pain found way here. I had a reason and an excuse to cry. Silently so …….i let the tears pour and no one noticed. What I gave up more than tears was the hope of ever finding that precious again. And having tasted what rejection can be, I understood all the more clearly how people can feel when they are forsaken by their own. there was this lady in the burns ward who was left there by her own family.oh they used to bring food for her……….but leave it there beside her….as though a woman burnt all from her neck till her legs can feed herself. She was in such torment and I was in equal torment because I knew not how to help her. Only we knew what we both were undergoing. Me a metamorphosis from my carefree careless days to graver sanity, she from her illusion of well loved self-sufficiency to helpless hapless loneliness. The nurse only allowed me for one hour daily at night at round 1 o clock, when all were abed and only insomniacs like me are drifting around. Auntie used to tell me which areas were itching and I used to pour cooling saline water to relieve her. Or sometimes apply some foul smelling paste to areas which were badly hurt. Can you imagine what a person feels when about 87% of your body is burnt? I would surely like to commit suicide. When we burn as much as a finger we wince in pain. Imagine your body a mass of indistinguishable flesh melted away from direct contact with fire. Lying there in a ward uncovered for all to gape at with no privacy and your dignity stripped away.
The pain so bad that you don’t mind a 20 year old girl gaze at your naked body grotesque beyond recognition, help you and sit and talk to you. Another reason the nurse didn’t want me to stay in the burns ward was because me having an infection that I had I was more susceptible to worsening it. Nevertheless we bonded against all odds.(funnily I don’t even remember her name).And I used to sneak in sometimes during lunch time to tell her what I ate or sometimes share with her little tidbits. She was very fond of non-veg and despite all protestations I say it was the sheer intake of solid proteins that made me walk again. Even doctors marveled at my appetite which to my mortification was huge.Ok it wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said I ate one chicken per day or rather had to eat it if I wanted to get cured fast and not miss one year.
It was my final year of graduation. I couldn’t afford to miss one year. Rather I couldn’t afford to let myself miss one year. My friend Navdeep, a gem of a person used to come and give me notes to study which I used to deal with in the dead of the night when no one was about. Those were the days when I developed a severe case of insomnia………couldn’t sleep for more than 2-3 hours per day, and yet be as fresh as a daisy in the morning. When I was able to walk with a greater deal of ease, mom came to the hospital to see me. Till then she wouldn’t come anywhere near the hospital. She once heard me scream when the nurses were dressing my wounds and got so frightened that she went came only at times when she knew my dressing was over. By then dad had exhausted his leave and had to go back to duty……….duty to duty…..what a life…………
Now was the real fix. I needed someone to cling to, just a hand, while the dressing was being done………..mom was petrified at the thought when I asked her to come. She just wouldn’t come. so I hardened my heart and went through them on my own…..clamping down on my cries till it all became a pale blur…….but then things weren’t as bad as they were before ………I could even look at it without wincing…….docs told me dad became pale when he first time saw my wound during the operation…….he thought it was a sheer miracle I survived(also another problem was brewing all that time –frontal fracture in the skull and internal left ear bleeding).things started to pick up from then. Uncle Desmond visited me twice during the time I spent in the hospital, bringing me my favourite bitter chocolates (banned for me but he sneaked).it was then I realized many things. How I had been blessed with so many people who loved me for just what I was and not the way I looked or whatever other superficial reason could be there. when I lost Rajeev I thought I was good for no one, my self confidence was badly shaken, then God intervened and I saw around me my loved ones and felt such remorse …………..inexplicable pain at my callousness ….when I saw that burnt lady and that woman who in the ICU begged for poison because she didn’t want to live despite the fact she had two little children to live for, that diabetic lady who smiled on each day as she suffered and died(she had maggots in her leg which was incurable due to excessive diabetes….her leg used to be cut every week till it reached her hips and she died of septic shock…she used to stink like a sewer and still smile through it all)…what right had I to think in such a way and ridicule God’ gift to me LIFE.
I was healing not only on the surface but also deep inside. It was very essential. And I’ve noticed it’s often that I get such rude shocks. That’s proof enough to me that He never forsakes me. No matter how far I wander off He always brings in the lost sheep. the days passed on thus in a whirl…..me gaining from strength to strength….I saw many pass on to His home, many go to their homes healthy and smiling, finally so did I, but a changed person, and not really changed too…..maybe Grown up would be the correct description. there are something’s some experiences one can never document with justice and yet never erase from memory…this is just one of many that I’ve been through…….and I know this is one of the milder ones I have to pass through …..That the real trials are yet ahead…….
After that fateful day when I met with that accident I still felt that nothing much could happen since I was alive and kicking if only figuratively. My thanks to the almighty for sparing my parents of any further pain. I love them so much that every time that they wince I wince double. Strangely enough most of their problems have been inadvertently been because of me. Never been able to dissociate from the pain of others. Though I don’t say it, express it but I feel so horribly ….so real…the anguish of others………that’s why that day………
I felt Pooja’s horror at what happened to her leg…….the blood seeping through. thank god it was a superficial cut.Aman was so much more concerned about the cut on her face…..and if it would leave a scar….the funny thing…..i remember for days after words how she used to use Nomarks just so that it didn’t leave a scar.
Thank god both were safe.
Then my sojourn started. The pain of septic flesh. I was tormented more by the pain my mother had to bear. Her only daughter laid up in a hospital and husband miles away in a hostile region (Khanabal where they had that Sikh massacre).i never let her see my physical pain. in fact I told her not to tell dad,coz I didn’t want him to be worried about me at a time when he needed all his wits about him to counteract insurgency. He had a lot of responsibility at that time, lots of lives to look after. if there is one thing I am proud about .is to be my father’s daughter. He has taught me to laugh in the face of adversity. The man fears no one and nothing. And duty comes to him before anything and anyone. a very difficult proposition to live upto but nevertheless shouldn’t the ideal always be sky high?
Let me not digress further lest you think that I am a die hard fan of my father. Well I do love him but I am not blind to his faults. when I was admitted to the hospital the surgeon in charge doctor banerjee an man of excellent repute who I remember with great fondness and esteem even today told my mother to inform my father, which I was told later on was because he wasn’t sure that he would be able to save my leg and hence wanted my father to sign the operation papers. I think that took away half of my parents life from them. They became old overnight just at the thought of that. I have always been a restless soul and restriction of mobility for me like that would amount to signing my death warrant. I would go downhill very soon and predictably without anyone knowing it…silently.
When dad came he was very annoyed with mom for not informing him earlier.14 days had lapsed since the first time stitches had been put in place. And all those days I thought I was getting better I was progressively getting worse till finally an alarming 105 temperature shocked mom into action.
Those days I wasn’t very close to dad though I still maintain I loved him all through. I might have been all kinds of things-rude horrible mean .you name it I was that. To both of them. But still they had it in themselves to forgive me. Never once they hated me. I don’t know why they love me so much. Well anyway I never saw a man pray as much as my dad does or rather did during those days. He seldom spoke mumma says. She just used to put food before him which he left barely untouched and then he used to go to sleep after listening to the news. Never told mom a single thing what happened in the operation theatre.afterwords he told …………had never seen anything as horrible. Which I still think he exaggerated. The doctor too I believe took especial care of me because he saw in me the will never to stop walking. I remember how the nurses used to do the dressings for me daily in the mornings and how I used to scream blue murder because I wasn’t allowed painkillers.gangrine cannot be affected by painkillers. It was horrible muddle. I remember very little. My selective amnesia came to rescue once again. all I remember is that dad used to be there at the hospital early in the morning at 6:00 am daily for my dressing with a flask full of sweet lime or orange juice which he used to give me to drink after the job was done and I with my swollen blotchy face used to gulp down as though it was a lifesaver.
That flask of juice was a link which was a reward and a healing touch in itself. What I call mumma ka pyar.every morning a ritual it became .mom would get up in the morning, squeeze fresh juice and then send dad off to the hospital. this was the ritual for 48 days while little by little the infection was controlled. in between I had grilling schedules with the physiotherapist as I developed a stiff knee and couldn’t walk without a limp and drag. He made me frog jump on my haunches from corridor to corridor just to loosen up the joints. The fear of not walking normally again was so much more than the oozing blood from the bandages and throbbing pain from my gaping wound.
In the evenings Dr Banerjee used to come and spend some time just talking. In a span of two weeks we were as thick as thieves. And we had discussed everything under the sun from modern medicine to economics to society to his family problems and his career aspirations. it was during that time he told me of his decision to leave the army. he said he didn’t find fulfillment in doing the job under enormous restrictions where formalities were a way of life, where medicine was important but not as important as all the red tapism which was so much a part of the army regime. I knew at that time that he was plainly fed up with the system but wouldn’t leave no matter what coz he wouldn’t know how to survive elsewhere.(the last I heard of him he was serving the president of India at RR)
Not long before I had lost something I really thought immensely precious to my life. The remnants of that pain found way here. I had a reason and an excuse to cry. Silently so …….i let the tears pour and no one noticed. What I gave up more than tears was the hope of ever finding that precious again. And having tasted what rejection can be, I understood all the more clearly how people can feel when they are forsaken by their own. there was this lady in the burns ward who was left there by her own family.oh they used to bring food for her……….but leave it there beside her….as though a woman burnt all from her neck till her legs can feed herself. She was in such torment and I was in equal torment because I knew not how to help her. Only we knew what we both were undergoing. Me a metamorphosis from my carefree careless days to graver sanity, she from her illusion of well loved self-sufficiency to helpless hapless loneliness. The nurse only allowed me for one hour daily at night at round 1 o clock, when all were abed and only insomniacs like me are drifting around. Auntie used to tell me which areas were itching and I used to pour cooling saline water to relieve her. Or sometimes apply some foul smelling paste to areas which were badly hurt. Can you imagine what a person feels when about 87% of your body is burnt? I would surely like to commit suicide. When we burn as much as a finger we wince in pain. Imagine your body a mass of indistinguishable flesh melted away from direct contact with fire. Lying there in a ward uncovered for all to gape at with no privacy and your dignity stripped away.
The pain so bad that you don’t mind a 20 year old girl gaze at your naked body grotesque beyond recognition, help you and sit and talk to you. Another reason the nurse didn’t want me to stay in the burns ward was because me having an infection that I had I was more susceptible to worsening it. Nevertheless we bonded against all odds.(funnily I don’t even remember her name).And I used to sneak in sometimes during lunch time to tell her what I ate or sometimes share with her little tidbits. She was very fond of non-veg and despite all protestations I say it was the sheer intake of solid proteins that made me walk again. Even doctors marveled at my appetite which to my mortification was huge.Ok it wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said I ate one chicken per day or rather had to eat it if I wanted to get cured fast and not miss one year.
It was my final year of graduation. I couldn’t afford to miss one year. Rather I couldn’t afford to let myself miss one year. My friend Navdeep, a gem of a person used to come and give me notes to study which I used to deal with in the dead of the night when no one was about. Those were the days when I developed a severe case of insomnia………couldn’t sleep for more than 2-3 hours per day, and yet be as fresh as a daisy in the morning. When I was able to walk with a greater deal of ease, mom came to the hospital to see me. Till then she wouldn’t come anywhere near the hospital. She once heard me scream when the nurses were dressing my wounds and got so frightened that she went came only at times when she knew my dressing was over. By then dad had exhausted his leave and had to go back to duty……….duty to duty…..what a life…………
Now was the real fix. I needed someone to cling to, just a hand, while the dressing was being done………..mom was petrified at the thought when I asked her to come. She just wouldn’t come. so I hardened my heart and went through them on my own…..clamping down on my cries till it all became a pale blur…….but then things weren’t as bad as they were before ………I could even look at it without wincing…….docs told me dad became pale when he first time saw my wound during the operation…….he thought it was a sheer miracle I survived(also another problem was brewing all that time –frontal fracture in the skull and internal left ear bleeding).things started to pick up from then. Uncle Desmond visited me twice during the time I spent in the hospital, bringing me my favourite bitter chocolates (banned for me but he sneaked).it was then I realized many things. How I had been blessed with so many people who loved me for just what I was and not the way I looked or whatever other superficial reason could be there. when I lost Rajeev I thought I was good for no one, my self confidence was badly shaken, then God intervened and I saw around me my loved ones and felt such remorse …………..inexplicable pain at my callousness ….when I saw that burnt lady and that woman who in the ICU begged for poison because she didn’t want to live despite the fact she had two little children to live for, that diabetic lady who smiled on each day as she suffered and died(she had maggots in her leg which was incurable due to excessive diabetes….her leg used to be cut every week till it reached her hips and she died of septic shock…she used to stink like a sewer and still smile through it all)…what right had I to think in such a way and ridicule God’ gift to me LIFE.
I was healing not only on the surface but also deep inside. It was very essential. And I’ve noticed it’s often that I get such rude shocks. That’s proof enough to me that He never forsakes me. No matter how far I wander off He always brings in the lost sheep. the days passed on thus in a whirl…..me gaining from strength to strength….I saw many pass on to His home, many go to their homes healthy and smiling, finally so did I, but a changed person, and not really changed too…..maybe Grown up would be the correct description. there are something’s some experiences one can never document with justice and yet never erase from memory…this is just one of many that I’ve been through…….and I know this is one of the milder ones I have to pass through …..That the real trials are yet ahead…….
THE EHSAAS...UNDEFINED
The seamless blue of the sky doth tell me
The golden brown of the earth
The whispering warm breeze
And in this instant I wish, how I wish, time doth freeze
And as I breathe I stop or cease
The world falls away from me,
Like I’m on a mad carousal
Riding through space and ages
Watching my life in different stages
Each colored in brilliant hues
Feelings of sorrow, love, remorse galore
Then as I fall through space
I wonder what’s in store
Is there more?
Or I am finally no more?
Is this the after or before?
Or just one silly stopgap
Before the last lap.
I know where I am going,
But the going stretches on and on
So long…
Finally I know ill reach where I belong
For the End I am strong
Or is it just the beginning
Of a whole new experience
Is it…?
The conjurations of a desperate mind
Scared to see what it may eventually find
Or just trying to be blind
No I will dither not
What I got is what I sought
Anything else naught…
Through this all I feel…
The seamless blue of the sky doth tell me…
The golden brown of the earth
The whispering warm breeze
And in this instant I wish, how I wish, time doth freeze
And as I breathe I stop or cease.
The golden brown of the earth
The whispering warm breeze
And in this instant I wish, how I wish, time doth freeze
And as I breathe I stop or cease
The world falls away from me,
Like I’m on a mad carousal
Riding through space and ages
Watching my life in different stages
Each colored in brilliant hues
Feelings of sorrow, love, remorse galore
Then as I fall through space
I wonder what’s in store
Is there more?
Or I am finally no more?
Is this the after or before?
Or just one silly stopgap
Before the last lap.
I know where I am going,
But the going stretches on and on
So long…
Finally I know ill reach where I belong
For the End I am strong
Or is it just the beginning
Of a whole new experience
Is it…?
The conjurations of a desperate mind
Scared to see what it may eventually find
Or just trying to be blind
No I will dither not
What I got is what I sought
Anything else naught…
Through this all I feel…
The seamless blue of the sky doth tell me…
The golden brown of the earth
The whispering warm breeze
And in this instant I wish, how I wish, time doth freeze
And as I breathe I stop or cease.
WE WILL MEET
Dearest, do not follow me
Let go of me…
Still I cover my tracks to be sure…
Erase those footprints that I leave behind
And like a free bird fly…. yet bound within to you..
Free form this purgatory
The earth that’s so transitory
And yet like a dark shadow
Lurks o’er our dreams.
Dear beloved grieve not for me
For I die not
It is just that I have moved on.
And in thou shalt live on.
And that day you’ll be no man
And me no woman
That day you’ll be my Jesus-my saviour
My husband, my prophet, my priest, my king,
My friend, my lover, my mother, my brother, my child,
My way, my word, my life, my all…
And like two halves shall we unite
At last be free of this eternal strife
Then the matrix will be complete
The zeros and ones in consummate harmony
As preordained by destiny
That day the horizon will appear
Not like it does
With two ends that never meet
But like one inside the other
Perfectly blent
Boundless earth encased in
Ceaseless, bottomless, dimensionless sky
And that day shall time never fly
But stand still
So we can have our fill….
I know it is a dream
A chimera, still to you
Just as I am
A dream we nevertheless saw together
And will still evermore
Till I reach with you the eternal shore………
Let go of me…
Still I cover my tracks to be sure…
Erase those footprints that I leave behind
And like a free bird fly…. yet bound within to you..
Free form this purgatory
The earth that’s so transitory
And yet like a dark shadow
Lurks o’er our dreams.
Dear beloved grieve not for me
For I die not
It is just that I have moved on.
And in thou shalt live on.
And that day you’ll be no man
And me no woman
That day you’ll be my Jesus-my saviour
My husband, my prophet, my priest, my king,
My friend, my lover, my mother, my brother, my child,
My way, my word, my life, my all…
And like two halves shall we unite
At last be free of this eternal strife
Then the matrix will be complete
The zeros and ones in consummate harmony
As preordained by destiny
That day the horizon will appear
Not like it does
With two ends that never meet
But like one inside the other
Perfectly blent
Boundless earth encased in
Ceaseless, bottomless, dimensionless sky
And that day shall time never fly
But stand still
So we can have our fill….
I know it is a dream
A chimera, still to you
Just as I am
A dream we nevertheless saw together
And will still evermore
Till I reach with you the eternal shore………
ODOURS OF MY LIFE........
People store up memories in the eyes of their heart and mind, but to me I store up smells and feelings. Quaint as it may sound that’s true .I have this extraordinary affinity with smells. Don’t know why
But I guess its because I react to them just as others react to other stimuli.
This poem is dedicated to the different fragrant memories I have….
If I close my eyes and take a deep breath …
I can see
Can feel the salty tang of the sea
The spray of many a waterfall
Tiny droplets like dewdrops
Wispy and fine
Smelling of sunshine
Fresh and cool enough to make me just a lil tipsy
The sweet sultry smell of freshly cut green grass.
Its sap headier than the bouquet of the finest wine
Turns my brain to mush and body fill with lethargy
Oh how I wish on that sluggish summer afternoon
I could sleep and sleep, drowsily and deep
Fragrant flowers bring back memories
Sweet peas, sweet as their name
Bring with them the droning of a thousand bees
The whispering of the trees
Their branches waving ever so gently
The bittersweet smell of crushed neem seeds underfoot
Spicy aroma of eucalyptus leaves
Crushed fallen intoxicating maple leaves
Citrus tangy lime and orange blossom
Incense in the temples
And musty interiors of old churches
Telling untold stories of the lives they’ve led
Smell of freshly shaven pencils
And wax as it melts
Fresh paint on walls and door
Turpentine and polish …
The brooding stillness of a house
Its long forgotten walls craving love and life
Redolent with the musty dank smells of decay
Yet with a promise of life
Waiting, Waiting, waiting…
Olive oil and tangy spices
Mustard with its bite
Rancid sour cheese as it matures
Onions that do make the tears run
Pungent garlic and mint in the kitchen
Of days of cooking…
Freshly baked bread, cakes and warm ovens remind me
Of laughing children, tittering teenagers…
Well-cooked meals, of happy families…
The smell of freshly moistened earth
Parched from the hot scorching sun that never does cease
The tang of sweat doth kick my memory
Stray traces of evocative talc or aftershave…
Freshly ironed linen sweet and clean
The potpourri in the cupboard
Year after year never looses its fresh lavender
That permeates the very being
And remains long after its essence is gone…
The musty and earthy smells of the manure, cattle and sheep
I recollect all behind my eyes in a deep dreamless sleep
The aseptic scary smells of the hospital wards
That smell of spirit, and the pharmacy
Doth plague my spirit and inspire mortal fear
Obnoxious choking fumes of the vehicle exhausts, like a burr on the senses…
And in contrast the smell of my baby kid shoes doth bring a tear…
Or the smell of a fine sky so clear…. freedom
So many smells…
Nice smells, coarse smells, earthy smells, interesting smells, pungent smells, strong smells, nasty smells, evocative smells, special smells.
Each one doth in our lives dwell
And each, just as special
Makes up the fabric of my life
Be it pleasure, pain, joy or strife.
Because this is life
And they are life…
But I guess its because I react to them just as others react to other stimuli.
This poem is dedicated to the different fragrant memories I have….
If I close my eyes and take a deep breath …
I can see
Can feel the salty tang of the sea
The spray of many a waterfall
Tiny droplets like dewdrops
Wispy and fine
Smelling of sunshine
Fresh and cool enough to make me just a lil tipsy
The sweet sultry smell of freshly cut green grass.
Its sap headier than the bouquet of the finest wine
Turns my brain to mush and body fill with lethargy
Oh how I wish on that sluggish summer afternoon
I could sleep and sleep, drowsily and deep
Fragrant flowers bring back memories
Sweet peas, sweet as their name
Bring with them the droning of a thousand bees
The whispering of the trees
Their branches waving ever so gently
The bittersweet smell of crushed neem seeds underfoot
Spicy aroma of eucalyptus leaves
Crushed fallen intoxicating maple leaves
Citrus tangy lime and orange blossom
Incense in the temples
And musty interiors of old churches
Telling untold stories of the lives they’ve led
Smell of freshly shaven pencils
And wax as it melts
Fresh paint on walls and door
Turpentine and polish …
The brooding stillness of a house
Its long forgotten walls craving love and life
Redolent with the musty dank smells of decay
Yet with a promise of life
Waiting, Waiting, waiting…
Olive oil and tangy spices
Mustard with its bite
Rancid sour cheese as it matures
Onions that do make the tears run
Pungent garlic and mint in the kitchen
Of days of cooking…
Freshly baked bread, cakes and warm ovens remind me
Of laughing children, tittering teenagers…
Well-cooked meals, of happy families…
The smell of freshly moistened earth
Parched from the hot scorching sun that never does cease
The tang of sweat doth kick my memory
Stray traces of evocative talc or aftershave…
Freshly ironed linen sweet and clean
The potpourri in the cupboard
Year after year never looses its fresh lavender
That permeates the very being
And remains long after its essence is gone…
The musty and earthy smells of the manure, cattle and sheep
I recollect all behind my eyes in a deep dreamless sleep
The aseptic scary smells of the hospital wards
That smell of spirit, and the pharmacy
Doth plague my spirit and inspire mortal fear
Obnoxious choking fumes of the vehicle exhausts, like a burr on the senses…
And in contrast the smell of my baby kid shoes doth bring a tear…
Or the smell of a fine sky so clear…. freedom
So many smells…
Nice smells, coarse smells, earthy smells, interesting smells, pungent smells, strong smells, nasty smells, evocative smells, special smells.
Each one doth in our lives dwell
And each, just as special
Makes up the fabric of my life
Be it pleasure, pain, joy or strife.
Because this is life
And they are life…
OLD LANES REVISITED
“Memories from the bygone days”
I remember writing so ….
On a hot June afternoon…..
Still………not a leaf shaking
Not a whisper of breeze…….
And now on this November noon
I write again
Memories of the bygone days
Come back as a spectre from the dead
You ask again and again
Answers I know but have deliberately locked away
Nay will not open that door again
It’s gone …….
It’s over……
It’s done with…………
I know we live and love on
It is meant to be till each their freedom shall get.
What I wanted to tell you all since
I did love you as ……….
I will always do so
And it never will require your presence in my life
You will move on flourish
And my blessings shall always dog your feet
A smile shall always follow
That’s the way I love
And shall always Love
Nothing more do I ask
Nothing more need I give
You’ll see yet again
When we depart
You’ll feel my presence still
Even when I am gone
Hopefully this time
It will be a happy warmth
Not restlessness
Not a torment
I never wanted it to be so…
And to correct I’ll strive
You’ll see the difference
Am always unmasked to you
Fear not
You need not from me
I can’t harm you ever
Because I love you and in that love
I haven’t got the power to hurt
Only bless
No consummation, no culmination but a continuation
To be……….
That’s how I describe myself
What you call inertia
I’ve discovered
Is not so………….
Its ceaselessness of my being
I’ve had a long wait……….a long long journey undertaken
And soon to the Father’s bosom shall I go…
And still shall bless you…
I have understood the crux of my being
My cross to carry I call it……….
How many have I carried…..
Lost count of them……
Strangely they haven’t left bitterness into my soul…….
Just increased the love I feel for those who are struggling so
Each wakeful moment I see someone trying so hard
And in each effort I bless them
Am no saint……sinner maybe or I wouldn’t be here
Waiting to pay my dues…….
Yet I feel privileged
Each blessed morn when I look out of the window
At the tranquil hills
My stony visage reflecting not the pleasures I behold…
Still as the morning calm.
And at such times I bless you……..
You deserve the best…….
You’ve struggled so much…….
I’ve felt each pain………..
As my own……
You shall find your peace…….
For that I shall pray evermore
This time you’ll find your freedom……
And love with a love greater that you ever felt….
The love of the almighty…..
Not the mortal soul.
And I’ll stand on the shore of life and laugh
The laugh of the truly happy
Oh what joy it will be….
You just cannot imagine ……seeing you finally free
When you shall cease to be and you shall cease to feel
When nothing will dog your steps
When no memory will plague you like unfinished business
All will be fine then……….
That day I will smile………
I remember writing so ….
On a hot June afternoon…..
Still………not a leaf shaking
Not a whisper of breeze…….
And now on this November noon
I write again
Memories of the bygone days
Come back as a spectre from the dead
You ask again and again
Answers I know but have deliberately locked away
Nay will not open that door again
It’s gone …….
It’s over……
It’s done with…………
I know we live and love on
It is meant to be till each their freedom shall get.
What I wanted to tell you all since
I did love you as ……….
I will always do so
And it never will require your presence in my life
You will move on flourish
And my blessings shall always dog your feet
A smile shall always follow
That’s the way I love
And shall always Love
Nothing more do I ask
Nothing more need I give
You’ll see yet again
When we depart
You’ll feel my presence still
Even when I am gone
Hopefully this time
It will be a happy warmth
Not restlessness
Not a torment
I never wanted it to be so…
And to correct I’ll strive
You’ll see the difference
Am always unmasked to you
Fear not
You need not from me
I can’t harm you ever
Because I love you and in that love
I haven’t got the power to hurt
Only bless
No consummation, no culmination but a continuation
To be……….
That’s how I describe myself
What you call inertia
I’ve discovered
Is not so………….
Its ceaselessness of my being
I’ve had a long wait……….a long long journey undertaken
And soon to the Father’s bosom shall I go…
And still shall bless you…
I have understood the crux of my being
My cross to carry I call it……….
How many have I carried…..
Lost count of them……
Strangely they haven’t left bitterness into my soul…….
Just increased the love I feel for those who are struggling so
Each wakeful moment I see someone trying so hard
And in each effort I bless them
Am no saint……sinner maybe or I wouldn’t be here
Waiting to pay my dues…….
Yet I feel privileged
Each blessed morn when I look out of the window
At the tranquil hills
My stony visage reflecting not the pleasures I behold…
Still as the morning calm.
And at such times I bless you……..
You deserve the best…….
You’ve struggled so much…….
I’ve felt each pain………..
As my own……
You shall find your peace…….
For that I shall pray evermore
This time you’ll find your freedom……
And love with a love greater that you ever felt….
The love of the almighty…..
Not the mortal soul.
And I’ll stand on the shore of life and laugh
The laugh of the truly happy
Oh what joy it will be….
You just cannot imagine ……seeing you finally free
When you shall cease to be and you shall cease to feel
When nothing will dog your steps
When no memory will plague you like unfinished business
All will be fine then……….
That day I will smile………
NAMELESS
A bond no one can sever least of all me
How I stretch how I fight
Not stifling but invigorating
Like a shot of coffee to a parched throat
A drug ,yet calling it so would be such an understatement
Life-giving breath
Is the best it can be
Long after I have stopped even breathing
That’s the way I feel your love
Why I hate you so much
Have spoilt me for everything, everyone
How can I settle for less having glimpsed at my heaven
A heaven that’s cursed
A life that can never be
This truth I knew when I first met you
And acceptance have been seeking since
To grasp reality to accept
To flourish in pain
Which I used to do so beautifully
This is going to be much worse
Than I thought it could be
Am not prepared for each cruel word you say ……
Though I pretend to be………..
Pretend to laugh it off………
But only I know how it wounds……….
And I never could forget easily nor forgive
And yet you I forgive even before the retaliation is out of my mouth
Why am I incapable of hurting you as I yearn to do
Is it self preservation?
Is it cowardice or is it plain love
Whatever it can be I know……….
For a fact that it can never be
There is no future
No you and me
And that hell I’ve lived through all the while I’ve been with you…..
Each single minute of the nine months……
Its been a long journey……
And I’m tired
Need to rest
Don’t know if I can go on with you
My spirits are flagging
And my senses blurring
Oppressive is the inertia…….and ……
Even my indifference deserts me
And all I feel like is to curl into a ball and cry
As if my heart would break
Which it shall inevitably
Why have I been circled out for this pain….
I never asked to be……..
Have no pretensions to grandeur
No delusions about myself
Just asked for a little freedom
And a little love
Was that too much to ask
Too much to find
Seems not
And yet…………
“Never mind” is what I always say
NOT ACCEPT IS WHAT I DO…IRONICAL RIGHT?
Nah not so if you know the kind of person I am
As difficult as can be
A merry go ride
Ups and downs
Turn arounds
Spurts of speed
And lazy meanderings
Restless quirks and
Crazy thinking….crazy words……that’s me….always
______________________________________________________
How I stretch how I fight
Not stifling but invigorating
Like a shot of coffee to a parched throat
A drug ,yet calling it so would be such an understatement
Life-giving breath
Is the best it can be
Long after I have stopped even breathing
That’s the way I feel your love
Why I hate you so much
Have spoilt me for everything, everyone
How can I settle for less having glimpsed at my heaven
A heaven that’s cursed
A life that can never be
This truth I knew when I first met you
And acceptance have been seeking since
To grasp reality to accept
To flourish in pain
Which I used to do so beautifully
This is going to be much worse
Than I thought it could be
Am not prepared for each cruel word you say ……
Though I pretend to be………..
Pretend to laugh it off………
But only I know how it wounds……….
And I never could forget easily nor forgive
And yet you I forgive even before the retaliation is out of my mouth
Why am I incapable of hurting you as I yearn to do
Is it self preservation?
Is it cowardice or is it plain love
Whatever it can be I know……….
For a fact that it can never be
There is no future
No you and me
And that hell I’ve lived through all the while I’ve been with you…..
Each single minute of the nine months……
Its been a long journey……
And I’m tired
Need to rest
Don’t know if I can go on with you
My spirits are flagging
And my senses blurring
Oppressive is the inertia…….and ……
Even my indifference deserts me
And all I feel like is to curl into a ball and cry
As if my heart would break
Which it shall inevitably
Why have I been circled out for this pain….
I never asked to be……..
Have no pretensions to grandeur
No delusions about myself
Just asked for a little freedom
And a little love
Was that too much to ask
Too much to find
Seems not
And yet…………
“Never mind” is what I always say
NOT ACCEPT IS WHAT I DO…IRONICAL RIGHT?
Nah not so if you know the kind of person I am
As difficult as can be
A merry go ride
Ups and downs
Turn arounds
Spurts of speed
And lazy meanderings
Restless quirks and
Crazy thinking….crazy words……that’s me….always
______________________________________________________
THIS POEM IS A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION TO ME.........
One day at a time, with its failures and its fears;
With its hurts and mistakes, with its tears,
With its portion of pain and its burden of care;
One day at a time we must meet and must bear.
One day at a time to be patient and strong;
To be calm under trial and sweet under wrong;
Then its toiling shall pass and its sorrow shall cease;
It shall darken and die, and the night shall bring peace.
One day at a time –but the day is so long,
And the heart is not so brave, and the soul is not strong,
O Thou pitiful God, be thou near all the way;
Give courage and patience and strength for the day.
Swift cometh his answer, so clear and so sweet;
“Yea, I will be with thee, thy troubles to meet;
I will not forget thee, nor fail thee, nor grieve;
I will not forsake thee; I never will leave thee.”
Not yesterday’s load we are called on to bear,
Nor the morrow’s uncertain and shadowy care;
Why should we look forward or back with dismay?
Our needs, as our mercies, are but for the day.
Our day at a time , and the day is His day;
He hath numbered its hours, though they haste or delay
His grace is sufficient; we walk not alone;
As the day, so the strength that He giveth His own.
Annie Johnson Flint.
With its hurts and mistakes, with its tears,
With its portion of pain and its burden of care;
One day at a time we must meet and must bear.
One day at a time to be patient and strong;
To be calm under trial and sweet under wrong;
Then its toiling shall pass and its sorrow shall cease;
It shall darken and die, and the night shall bring peace.
One day at a time –but the day is so long,
And the heart is not so brave, and the soul is not strong,
O Thou pitiful God, be thou near all the way;
Give courage and patience and strength for the day.
Swift cometh his answer, so clear and so sweet;
“Yea, I will be with thee, thy troubles to meet;
I will not forget thee, nor fail thee, nor grieve;
I will not forsake thee; I never will leave thee.”
Not yesterday’s load we are called on to bear,
Nor the morrow’s uncertain and shadowy care;
Why should we look forward or back with dismay?
Our needs, as our mercies, are but for the day.
Our day at a time , and the day is His day;
He hath numbered its hours, though they haste or delay
His grace is sufficient; we walk not alone;
As the day, so the strength that He giveth His own.
Annie Johnson Flint.
MY DESTINY IS MY CHOICE
The fire of my soul
Is a replica of the growling one in the belly of the earth
A wildness that never ceases
As cold as the artic breeze that burns the skin off the surface
As violent as the sea that crashes on the shore
As vicious as the savage wolves of the wilderness
No human can match, no god can confess
It exists in all its wonder
And ever will be so
I don’t confess ,I don’t discover anew
Its always been there………..
Constant as the stars that burn out into nothingness
As old as the bowels of the universe
As fragile as that eternal curse
I come back again and again
Just to feel the constancy of that purpose
That eternal search
Will the wait never cease
I could accuse the eternity
But isn’t that a façade
A mere veil to cover the constancy of what’s you and me
This full circle that others marvel at
And are in awe of
I laugh at the world that sees but never understands
Can you comprehend the fire without being burnt?
Nay! To Be thou shall burn too
With the same angst with the same passion
With the same fire
Not purgatory but relief…….
The relief of non existence
And of supreme existence
Of feeling without feeling
Of love without love
All fires wiped out ………
And I laugh at myself again
Who am I fooling?
Myself? Nay not you ,nor the almighty
For all will know and all do know as ever….
I neednt transmigrate to feel you in my soul
I try so hard
To keep them at bay ……….to protect to save
But my love they will come and they shall sully
that’s the way it is …wiles will never cease to be
It is for me to wait and watch if you can stand the test of time
Tides will not wait I know ,
but I wait to see the strength of thy soul
If you are mine you will stand up and fight
As I do everyday……..
And then shall I bow to thy supremacy, and love
Never before never after
That is the man I wish to see in thee
“to be or not to be” the eternal dilemma
Not something Shakespeare defined but just felt
As acutely like me and you and a million out there.
Don’t disappoint me ,I wait to see you soar
That day shall I be free…..
Is a replica of the growling one in the belly of the earth
A wildness that never ceases
As cold as the artic breeze that burns the skin off the surface
As violent as the sea that crashes on the shore
As vicious as the savage wolves of the wilderness
No human can match, no god can confess
It exists in all its wonder
And ever will be so
I don’t confess ,I don’t discover anew
Its always been there………..
Constant as the stars that burn out into nothingness
As old as the bowels of the universe
As fragile as that eternal curse
I come back again and again
Just to feel the constancy of that purpose
That eternal search
Will the wait never cease
I could accuse the eternity
But isn’t that a façade
A mere veil to cover the constancy of what’s you and me
This full circle that others marvel at
And are in awe of
I laugh at the world that sees but never understands
Can you comprehend the fire without being burnt?
Nay! To Be thou shall burn too
With the same angst with the same passion
With the same fire
Not purgatory but relief…….
The relief of non existence
And of supreme existence
Of feeling without feeling
Of love without love
All fires wiped out ………
And I laugh at myself again
Who am I fooling?
Myself? Nay not you ,nor the almighty
For all will know and all do know as ever….
I neednt transmigrate to feel you in my soul
I try so hard
To keep them at bay ……….to protect to save
But my love they will come and they shall sully
that’s the way it is …wiles will never cease to be
It is for me to wait and watch if you can stand the test of time
Tides will not wait I know ,
but I wait to see the strength of thy soul
If you are mine you will stand up and fight
As I do everyday……..
And then shall I bow to thy supremacy, and love
Never before never after
That is the man I wish to see in thee
“to be or not to be” the eternal dilemma
Not something Shakespeare defined but just felt
As acutely like me and you and a million out there.
Don’t disappoint me ,I wait to see you soar
That day shall I be free…..
LOVE
When love lifts like the air
Romps like the clouds
And spreads like the sky
I taste it well
When it swirls and circles
With the wayward fluttering
Of an unknown bird
I feel its charm…
When it soothes and calms
With the crystal purity
Of a meandering brook
I feel its sanctity…
Why does it age?
Penetrate within to those
Hollow caves of greed and despair
That lair of bondage
And bind with the thickness
And suffocation of crudity,
Pain and possession,
Quenching, stifling, suffocating
That very spirit,
Which once thrilled
In its amorous awakening
Now a poor shadow
Like dried grass in a barren meadow
Shallow as the youth so callow
Defeated by its own consummation
As it rode on to its own culmination
In a great burst of a conflagration
And all that was left behind
Was soot and dust and
Cinders of a love that was so kind…
Romps like the clouds
And spreads like the sky
I taste it well
When it swirls and circles
With the wayward fluttering
Of an unknown bird
I feel its charm…
When it soothes and calms
With the crystal purity
Of a meandering brook
I feel its sanctity…
Why does it age?
Penetrate within to those
Hollow caves of greed and despair
That lair of bondage
And bind with the thickness
And suffocation of crudity,
Pain and possession,
Quenching, stifling, suffocating
That very spirit,
Which once thrilled
In its amorous awakening
Now a poor shadow
Like dried grass in a barren meadow
Shallow as the youth so callow
Defeated by its own consummation
As it rode on to its own culmination
In a great burst of a conflagration
And all that was left behind
Was soot and dust and
Cinders of a love that was so kind…
MY VISIT TO LADAKH........
Difficult yet so easy to describe the countryside, which still remains fresh in my mind. But that wouldn’t do justice to the importance of that place in my mind.ive always felt highly inadequate in the words department when I need them the most, but try I will to capture those feelings I get when I remember that place. A pale reflection im sure, but something never the less. Its barren spread was life giving to me, like fresh air sucked into oxygen-deprived lungs after spending hours in a claustrophobic room.
Melting blue skies and feathery white clouds, braving the winds. The blue was so blue that it hurt the eyes. Absolutely no pollution. Well a bane for my skin, as I had to invest in tons of sun block crème to prevent myself from burning crisply like a kebab.
The roads and narrow streets, primitive mud and rock houses and spires and domes of the local ‘gompas’ and ‘stupas’ housing relics of lord Buddha) all seemed faintly familiar…yet I’ve never been there before. The quaint little shops with treasures in terms of local art and handicrafts like gems…precious, semi- precious, Chinese silks, wooden masks and carvings etc.however at that stage what caught my attention was not the local shops but the local scenery and people.
There is no better way to observe the local color than on foot. I was like a maniac let loose. Not a word to anyone and I walked the streets alone and safe in the knowledge that if the locals could walk around wearing Rs 4 lacs worth of jewellery encrusted apparel without any mishaps, then I would court no harm.
I saw the beautiful trees...springs and rivulets of the Leh city, which is the only green city in the whole of Ladakh.A place that boasts the highest airstrip in the whole world and a radio station.
It was the month of June; peak of summer and purple passionflowers and daisies dotted the fields. Just then I realized how naïve I was, for I was running around collecting and making little posies of flowers to take with me, but the next moment almost they would wither away. My own little garden in a paradise .I thought that was still undiscovered and untouched.
Oh! I needed to apply for a patent soon!! Well jokes apart I really did pray that instant that it would forever remain that way untouched and beautiful. The cherry, almond and peach trees were in bloom and fruit laden. Blossoms everywhere and lush green branches waved in the wind. A conveniently bent willow tree served as a bridge across a swift moving ice cold streams, one of the many that go and merge into the Indus, feeding it with their life blood, gushing and bubbling with all their splendor even as they die out into non existence and merge into a much larger whole.
There on that very bridge I sat down and dipped my feet into that tempting water and imagined what it would feel like to be fully submerged in that crystal clear and of course bitingly cold water-probably instant HYPOTHERMIA!
It was like Alice in wonderland. I spent I spent unbelievable 6 hours just walking about the streets and sniffing the air and plain just reveling in life. Another moment of ecstasy for me was later that night… we had dinner in the Mess amidst the throng of people all discussing the various places of interest and treasures. All of them sadly sounded like plundering raiders come to rob the place to showcase in their homes like dead and lifeless replicas of the originals, which could never be reproduced. My soul cried in outrage at this invasion, at this violation and with disgust I walked off from there.
Strangely though the temperatures really dip at night. I was wearing a simple gray pullover and a skirt with my sturdy sneakers…and I walked on to the farthest boundary of the premises. Alongside the barbed wire enclosure there was a huge boulder as if suspended over the edge only held by those fragile looking wires… I sat on that boulder and added my weight to it, tempting it to roll over along with me.
But at that moment I thought nothing. I was mesmerized by the sky as never before. A moonless night with cold gusts of wind. Not a sound for miles except the wind groaning through the few trees that dotted the landscape and the stars twinkling so close as if I could just reach up and pick a few of those dazzlers.
I leant my back against that rock that still held some warmth it had collected during the day and blanked out my thoughts. All I could feel at that moment was immeasurable peace and calm, a sense of freedom, a feeling of being one with my surroundings. Like I had merged into the soil, dissolved into the atmosphere, flown up to the stars and just ceased to exist. That was the one moment when I wished to die and grant permanence to that beautiful feeling of being there yet not there. A supreme indifference to my surroundings and yet a heightened awareness of each grain of sand around me, as though it was a part of my very being.
Unfortunately at that moment my bliss was shattered and my parents called me to turn in. tomorrow would be another day and another place to see… more memories to make or was it revisit and refresh my memories (I never could tell…all seemed oh so familiar). But whenever I searched, wherever I went I could not recollect that feeling ever. That one moment was the closest I ever came to my God, the closest ever to oblivion, the closest to this universe. The true meaning therein, in me ,and all around me…
We travelled extensively through the length and breath of Ladakh… shades of brown, gold, occre, silver predominated everywhere. Colourful prayer flags, shaggy long haired dogs with blood shot eyes, wild as their surroundings, free as they were born to be… gompas with mysterious monks chanting prayers oblivious to our presence… their yellow and maroon robes rustling as they walk past and disappear into equally mysterious cavernous dark monasteries in search of the higher plane… a never-ending quest which I too have discovered… the smell of the burning incense and yak milk grease, yellow beaked huge ravens, their ugliness not a blot on the surroundings but in perfect harmony… fighting and screaming raucously for scraps of food that tourists throw to them…shy exquisitely dressed maidens with smooth blushing cheeks and dainty feet clad in raw hide moccasins, grave faced men with skin like parchment all wrinkled and deeply lined…but with the innocence of childhood I their eyes combined with the maturity of a lifetime… their unhurried movements and the smooth way they glided across the ground…effortlessly plodding on to unknown destinations… miles of walk… I could connect with them without language, without gestures, with just a look and felt warm cherished and loved. Simple people with simple lives…no need to give freely to me, yet freely they did give their love and in return got mine. How strange for all this to happen to me in that short 40 day spell… a slip of a girl was I…barely fledged and scared at the magnitude of the emotions I was feeling till I looked into the mirror and saw a face so young with eyes so old…perplexed I looked away to see the world.
To me it was all a love beyond a love…a celebration of humanity, just a smile and nothing more and yet the whole world.
And so I moved on to newer places as I cynically smiled to myself mocking myself and the way my senses were playing tricks with me…brawny yaks, a and their chiming bells, the curly horned sure- footed sheep climbing steadily up the mountainsides in search of scraps of grass, the chiru, and the silver bellied trout that comes home every year to spawn…HOME!!! I’ve stopped thinking and only feel now… lest I go mad with the thousand and one deja vus I am getting.
The soft bloom on the fresh peaches, dewy red cherries, lush apricots…well just then reality bit …vegetables came at a certain price-Rs50 per kilo of onions or potatoes or a chicken for 300 bucks…I think after a month or two one would be reduced to consuming the local fare at this rate. Thankfully we were putting up in an army establishment that took care of all our requirements so we only needed to supplement our diet with fruit. The rest all came out of tins. I was eternally grateful for the forethought that made me buy my huge stock of chocolates.
I must mention something about the queer burial rituals of the local people…without which my account would be incomplete. Like most Hindus the ladakhis cremate their dead, but unlike the usual funeral pyre they construct mud ovens (what I called tandoors) around the dead person who was conveniently made to sit and then lit under him. Afterwords when it would all be over, by that I mean when the body is reduced to cinders they seal the top and white wash the exterior structure. Numerous such structures dotted the countryside and I once posed for a picture leaning nonchalantly against one, till I came to know the significance.
My visit to Choglamsar, the Leh City Palace, Thikse, Hemis, Zanskar and Pangong Tso Lake were all filled with color, history and beautiful breathtaking scenery. But such heavy dollops of culture began to pall until one day I struck gold once again in the Hemis Monastery that houses the statue of the reclining Buddha made in gold and of immense proportions.
Also that monastery contained priceless murals and frescoes of the tirthankaras. At that tie the next reincarnation of the lord Buddha was to be born in some quaint village in Tibet and the monks the world over were preparing for that great day and offering prayers to the gods. The atmosphere was redolent with incense, smoke and strange chants in a foreign language. But the spirit was the same … that of prayer, of peace, of solitude, of sanctity…
And out of that smoke a young priest beckoned to me and motioned me to go before a priest sitting in the dim recess of the rear end of the monastery’s main hall. Dad and I went forward and with some degree of trepidation I walked closer. But the monk smiled kindly and extremely lovingly as though he understood my fears and was amused by them. That calmed me instantly. He had the most powerful stare I have ever encountered, one from which I couldn’t pull away, deep brown eyes that shone with some kind of inner radiance…
He touched the top of my head and my right palm and said something in a language indecipherable to me … but the message was clear…blessed me …and sure enough much to my surprise the young monk confirmed it in English. He also mentioned a few things I don’t need to mention here, but which have ever since perturbed me…mentioned having as long wait…and having lost something…things at time I never knew and still I don’t… maybe he meant I will loose my faith and get it back again…maybe he understood my quest for peace …something I had just discovered to my surprise …
What caught and wove a web around me was the quality of his smile and a strange look in his eyes…maybe I misinterpreted it… but it almost seemed like respect, and reverence and even saying such things seems arrogance to me and sheer sacrilege… but maybe, maybe I was wrong just that time… it was the look of an equal given to an equal…not man to woman not father to daughter not any gender but equal to equal.
A certain peace descended on me and I moved away from him like in a trance and walked back into the bright sunshine… a changed person yet the same. I must acknowledge the fact that that was the day I started acknowledging my restlessness…28th June 1994.
Someday I will go back again and just relive that moment of perfect communion between us… don’t know if he will recognize me or if I will recognize him for that matter…I don’t even know his name…just a nameless faceless monk whose essence I’m sure will be still be there like those who lived before him.
The rest of the trip was a mixture of unforgettable and forgettable beauty, campfires, impromptu parties, fairy lights, dancing under the stars, food, fun frolic, donkey and mule rides. White water rafting, and other adventure sports, plain good old trekking and rock climbing…
But all this one can get anywhere. To sum up what Ladakh gave me was the essence of purity, tranquility, peace, freedom, and of course the real me…on the other side it awakened my senses and made me go wild with a frenzy of thoughts questions and pure unrest…
So much packed in so few days…40 to be exact…
A lifetime I plan to relive someday with the one I will share my soul with…if God is kind
And Destiny wills it…till then it’s a wait…long wait as he said…
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