Today as I stand at an important juncture of my life, the cross of self-realization is something I have to bear till it ceases to plague me. I’m learning gradually what I’ve always wanted to know. However I’ve also seen that self realization no longer means self actualization …both are inherently different concepts with a very thin differentiating line. Most often they are used interchangeably. Self actualization is not just discovering the real you but treading the path that will actually be acceptable to the real you…
I read a book, but superficially comprehending it is not going to be of any use to me unless I imbibe it, understand it, and finally incorporate it into the fabric of my life.
So terribly sad… we deliberate on weighty questions of the universe in the search for freedom in the search of the self. But just knowing the self is not adequate. One needs to feed the self to do something to make it sustain its development. That is where most of us fail.siddhi is not knowing or realizing but practicing what you realize.
Today I’ve ceased to be restless because ive got a few insights about myself or maybe I need to word it a little different in light of the new knowledge I have about myself…
Ive finally accepted what ive always known but through my natural protectiveness have always ignored and tried to shy away from. Extraordinarily my subconscious knew what it was doing firewalling me in this case from the rude shocks of discovering the deepest depths of my soul.
I swear I can vouch for this any day…the process of self realization is by far the most painful…and as you go step by step further the journey becomes more and more painful…however by then the person is so conditioned to suffering the way he is destined to …that he doesn’t actually feel the pain but looks fervently towards the final goal.
You know I’ve always thought that renunciation is something that doesn’t mean much because the real man is one who stays here and does the will of god and fulfils his duties and at the same time fulfils destiny and the purpose of his being born…
Generally a sanyasi who leaves the world is fed up with the complexities of the worldly life and craves simplicity to get closer to God without the distortions created by the world to hinder that connectivity…
But he is still human and that he has given up the world is just his illusion…
To go from complexity to simplicity one needs to understand the complex process of desire, of belief, of pain, of sorrow, envy, of accumulation.
This is the true meaning of renunciation to understand and yet not be affected…till it ceases to be…and whatever has meaning can never be learned for elsewhere…you can only find it inside you when u look inside in yourself…SIMPLICITY-when you have no ashes of outward renunciation but the inward freedom from allconflicts, suppressions, ambitions, imitations.
Today ive realized this and have all along known it. this is what has pained my soul and created a conflict inside…
The real me was very simple so simple that it revolted against the imposition of the veneer we all so often use to camouflage from the world what we think is our vulnerability, but in actuality is our one and only strength.
In the true sense ive realized I had renounced the world a long time back shunned its complexities and hence found the convoluted workings a thing to ponder on and get confused against.
This is plainly expounded by the fact that I was always at variance with what really meant something to me. Hence the conflict. Now I know end accept gratefully what I know to be true. The real challenge however lies ahead of me…to incorporate this in my life…for which I have to be prepared to suffer rebuke suffer deprivation suffer ridicule and most of all the skepticism of my loved ones. Yes I did mention earlier its going to get progressively painful…this is just the beginning…
Another astounding realization ive discovered about myself is…
I talk of change…
Change from my earlier most haphazard ways to a more serial methodical and spiritually acceptable way of living and loving God.
Ive defined my goal
And the road to find it
And am walking it too….
And then all of a sudden I realized…
When I say I need to change form “this” to ‘that”, ‘that’ is already known: therefore it is not change. When I change from selfishness to selflessness I have already defined selflessness meaning it’s a not a new concept to me. The movement hence is still within a known field for me. I’ve experienced selflessness or I wouldn’t have known it…maybe what I seek I have tasted before…as I get closer marginally closer to my goal I am looking at it as though ive been there before a huge déjà vu follows at every step for me.
What I require is the final cessation of this need to change, which means the end of the desire to change. To accept what I am as I am. And make use of what I am not expect to do wonders with I am not. This involves a huge effort because since childhood we have been conditioned to think that we must change for the better. None have realized this that when we want to change for the better. That means we already know what better means and that we have it inside us already.
In short we are all white but have let layers of grime collect…the accumulation needs to stop then only will we recognize our true faces in the mirror.
And so the journey continues …
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