what a pity!!!!

MY INCAPABILITY TO FEEL…PITY…AND TO FEEL TOO MUCH…

There is no word in my vocabulary equating the accepted lexical meaning of pity. Pity doesn’t exist and I really don’t know how individuals can confuse it with empathy and sympathy. To me I am as much a beggar as anyone I know of. The emotion of pity exists in abstraction because we need to be really perfectly self-sufficient to be able to emote that way. When I see a person as unfortunate as me or probably in a different manner, all I feel is a sense of inadequacy to help that individual. And also the burning need to do so, which in many cases I am able to by God’s grace.
Everyone has their peculiar idiosyncrasies and I too have mine. My forte lies in silent communication. I have connected most often with distressed people through my silence than meaningless and empty words, which I feel will always be inadequate. To me just a touch and a look can suffice to convey what you wish to. Most often people derive pleasure and comfort from just your presence, and it is one of the greatest gifts to have that kind of an impact on their lives. It has happened to me before and each time I am awed by the magnitude of the emotions I and the individual concerned have undergone. The end result is that I’m mostly humbled by such feelings and the degree of suffering an individual undergoes before he can bring himself to bare his soul.

The question is what do I give in return for this helpless trust? Is there a befitting quid-pro-quo? Can I safely and honestly say that I have been as faithful and committed to the purpose of sharing the pain? Most often the answer is in negative. Another form hypocrisy on my part. I feel im trustworthy enough to be trusted implicitly, yet can’t trust the same person in totality. I have known always to have kept a certain part of my soul under wraps so that if needed I can always claw my way back to sanity. Some would call it hedging or the protective instinct kicking I. but I simply call it the purest form of hypocrisy, and hate as much I may this vice. It’s still a living part of me.

I have a lot yet to go through and a long journey to make. Countless mistakes to make and countless lessons to learn. And in all this I find there so much to “pity” myself that im incapable of doing so to others. All I can do is feel their pain as my own. That is my cross tocarry.i live the lives of others like it’s my own and go through the whole gamut of emotions…a curse for a sensitive soul like me…and yet I wouldn’t live the aseptic life of indifference if I was offered a choice…the choice is mine and yet I choose to walk the razor’s edge…