Yet again I plead for a little peace
Is there no place and no one who can give me?
Those few precious drops of peace
Squeeze them out of the consciousness of this world
So that I may rest eternally
Even as I pen these words
The hopelessness doth plague my soul
A blanket of despair camouflages me
Oppressive in its weight
And still somewhere some spark of hope remains
The day that hope extinguishes
I will be no more
There will be no need to live
I live in hope
Walk through the darkness
For the lust of light
Those few precious drops of peace
When will I get them?
My life is like a bed of thorns
Every time I turn
Every time I twist my very soul screams out in pain
None understand the depth of my pain
Its not the indifference I crave
I am not made that way
I was born to feel…
It’s the inability to protect myself against the capacity to feel
Sounds mighty strange
But each day, each minute is a trial by fire
I came not here to make my career
To test my intellectual skills
Have no need for those
I came here to see the limits of my strength
Strength I have plenty
Money I need not …
Cravings I have none…
Lust I don’t feel…
Then what is it that troubles me so
I listen, I counsel, I love, I feel, I cry
I help, I sit with …in silence…
All I do…
And yet there is something I am not able to do
Cauterize my own wounds
Nay………..they never were the issue
Because I never let them go deep
But this time I am vulnerable…
Not to a person…
But to my own insecurities
Never thought life would fly by and…
I stand on the threshold
With a handful of dust
Is this what becomes of me…
Unfulfilled, a looser
Who couldn’t even do what she came to do
My mission, my life, my strength all a waste?
Just the contemplation of the desolate space of unfulfilment
Sends shivers down my back
And yet a familiarity
As though I have been doing it over and over again
Climbing out of the pit ..
To slip back again into the darkness
How many times have I done it??
Lost count…feels like ages…feels…like infinity
And I suddenly pray to my Lord…
Don’t ever let me go back
Don’t ever let go…
The darkness deeps before daybreak
In that hour of test, My Lord
Don’t let go…
My faith is boundless and unswerving.
Thou canst forsake me…
Everyone else will…I know…the knowledge
Is in my bloodline…
A feeling of surety…not just pure conjecture
But pure sanity
That is why no matter what
I will always return to your bosom
None comforts me as thee
Thy love………..
Such boundless love…
Pure and unadulterated…
Just the thought of it makes me smile
In gratitude, honour and awe.
See just as I talk to you
Some of thy healing presence calms my troubled bosom
I feel a promise of that peace…so many of us yearn for
So few get…never said it but my soul cried
Bleeds to see many …I love, just throw it away
How I cry…that even tears are inadequate
And here I sit at this desk unable to move
Unable to help…
This freezing paralysis…inability to stop destruction
Just a mute bystander…watching the play of life
Understanding each nuance and yet unable to communicate
My fate is worse than the dumb…
At least nature deprived
I can but yet cant …
“My cross to carry” I call it…
And no resting place for me…
No one I can be sure of…
The biggest irony of it all…
Alone I come and alone I go…
No one knows this better than me…
I just hope the pain melts away
Not congeal into a presence to reckon with.
I don’t want to come back…
I don’t want to live the same torture again
Would better be a beast?
With limited faculties and no feelings.
But then again when I read my words
And contemplate on the depth of emotion
I would never want to turn my back on all you’ve given me
A blessing I’d rather not spurn
A love I’d rather give and get hurt than not get hurt at all
Help me My Lord, to give ………
And only give………which is what I’ve come to understand
A one way street??
Maybe……….but whatever it maybe………
Never let go……….as I shall never let go………
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